As you well know, my house has been overrun by the Disney Princesses. Madison is the progeny of a Filipino Princess, so I suppose it was only a matter of time before those hardwired genetics began to show up. She doesn’t like to get dirty. She tells me that I can’t go into store with Hello Kitty Merchandise because the store is “for girls only,” right up until she wants to buy something, then it’s okay for me to enter the store. Every time we’re at Target or Sports Authority I ask her to try on a baseball glove and she says “No, dad, that’s only for boys,” even if the glove is a pink Jennie Finch model. There’s a lot of girlie stuff going on, but the Princesses are at the top of the list.
Now, I’ve had those conversations in that past that start with the question “Which Disney character do you think is the hottest?” I’ve always said two things: “God, this is such a stupid, shallow question.” and “Belle.” But that was back before I was the mature adult I am today. Besides, those princesses are no longer mere fake, animated physical objects of desire anymore. Thanks to my daughter, I’ve actually gotten to know them. So you know what I’m going to try to do? I’m not going to say which of them is the hottest. I’m not even going to play Marry/Boff/Kill (too easy). I’m going to look for compatibility. That’s right. I’m going to eHarmony the Disney Princesses to look for which of them would be my best match.
Snow White. Likes: attention, talking to animals. Dislikes: cursed fruit. My gut tells me that Snow White and I probably wouldn’t work out. She isn’t careful about what she eats, but neither am I. I am a fan of shorter length hair, but I don’t care for the complexion. Now, I know that some as pale as myself probably shouldn’t be judging another person – even if she doesn’t really exist – by their skin tone, but I can’t help it. Also, Snow seems to prefer a rustic lifestyle which is probably the deal-breaker for me. I need the internet. I need cell phone reception. I’m a product of my age. Add that to the fact that she’s an attention whore who surrounds herself with dwarves and woodland creatures who fawn over her constantly. Compatibility Score (1-10): 0.9
Cinderella. Likes: hypebeasting high-end footwear, chubby rodents. Dislikes: indentured servitude, obnoxious step-siblings, effeminate princes. I really think Cinderella and I would hit it off. She and I could probably go on for hours about shoes and accessories and whatnot. She comes from humble beginnings so she won’t be as stuck up as some of the princesses on this list who were always princesses and don’t know how to deal with adversity (oh, I’m getting to you, Ariel, don’t worry). Cinderella is a grinder and I find the fact that she knows how to do housework is a plus. You can’t really teach work ethic at this age. Also in my favor is the fact that she doesn’t seem to prefer overly masculine men. I’m not a man’s man by any definition, and based on Cinderella’s past dating history, I think she might find me swell – dashing, even. Prince Charming’s got a really cool name and all, but I think I could take him in a fight. I mean, he couldn’t even catch Cinderella while on foot. I got this. The one thing that’s kind of a turn-off is that midnight curfew. I’m a man, you know? I don’t know when romance will strike. What if things get hot and heavy at 11:57 PM and then she’s all like “Wait, stop. I have to go home now.” Ugh. Compatibility Score: 8.9
Princess Aurora. Likes: comfortable mattresses, high-thread count sheet sets, good fairies. Dislikes: spinning wheels, bad fairies. On paper, this looks like a match made in heaven. Aurora likes to sleep, so do I. But when you start digging past the surface, the problems begin to show. First, what the hell is it with all these princesses having deep relationships with animals? Honestly, I’d be like “You’re spending too much time with the owl!” and Aurora would be all “I knew the owl waaaaay before I knew you (she met me once upon a dream), the owl stays!” That’s rough. Also worth considering is the fact that she’s already been in a relationship with someone named Philip. That’s a lot of baggage I’d be dealing with. The guy did wake her up from a perpetual sleep. That’s tough to follow. Every time I’d say something I thought was funny and she’d say “Oh, Phil,” and laughed, would she really mean me? Or would she be thinking about the other Philip, the one that’s a prince. Too much of a headache. Compatibility Score: 3.2
Ariel. Likes: singing, hoarding worthless junk. Dislikes: Faustian deals with bitchy squid/octopus hybrids. Let’s just say what everyone is thinking: Ariel is a looker. Even in mermaid form, she’s a solid 8.5. The problem is she’s spoiled. As the youngest of Triton’s 33 daughters, she’s been babied her entire life and no-showed her musical debut. She’s unreliable. She’s been known to deliberately disobey orders. She’s stubborn. She’s prone to making very poor decisions like risking her soul for the chance to spend time with the man she loves (and doesn’t even really know). She’s impulsive. I can’t swim so making down to her dad’s house for dinner would likely end with me drowning. I know she can really sing, but theoretically, so can all of the princesses. Aside from her aesthetic appeal, she doesn’t have much going for her. If I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life with someone, I’d like to know that she’s in it to win it, too. Sadly, based on everything in her history, I can’t trust her. It might be fun for a little while, but she’s more likely to skip out on me for some fool who has had a stone statue of himself made than to settle down with me. Compatibility Score: 2.1
Belle. Likes: reading, spending time with her family, talking houseware, Peabo Bryson. Dislikes: self-centered, arrogant jerks. From a purely physical standpoint, I’ve always thought Belle was beautiful, in as much as an animated character can be attractive. She can make casual (left) look good and she ramps it up to an entirely different level when she rocks the formal yellow dress. She likes to read and is an independent thinker. Both of those are qualities which I appreciate. She sticks to her guns. When all the other girls in town were swooning over Gaston, she saw him for what he really was: a muscle-bound ass. She obviously doesn’t care about looks. Her most endearing quality, however, is her dedication to her family. She agreed to live in the Beast’s castle for eternity in exchange for her father’s freedom. I know that Belle would never sell me out like Ariel would. The only problem I can see is that her horse is named Felipe, which might cause some confusion. It’s not a deal-breaker, though. Compatibility Score: 10
Jasmine. Likes: keeping ferocious animals as pets, magic carpet rides, sneaking out of the palace. Dislikes: liars, sneaky political advisors, parrots voiced by Gilbert Gottfried. Calling Jasmine is a little tricky. She’s the first – and only – princess on this list who wasn’t the central character in her movie. In truth, I know little about her. I know she’s an independent woman, she didn’t want to live the life as dictated to her. That’s why she dressed up like a Jedi and roamed around the city with the dregs of humanity. She absolutely despises liars. He comes from money and power, but seems grounded – unlike a certain mermaid princess. She’s pretty enough, I guess, but I just don’t know enough about her. Compatibility Score: N/A
Pocahontas. Likes: nature, white guys. Dislikes: war, prejudice. Like Snow White, Pocahontas prefers the rural lifestyle and is even more of the outdoorsy type. This is in direct conflict with my own predilections. I couldn’t survive by living off the land. Perhaps even more difficult would be the cultural conflict. Pocahontas holds on to many beliefs which I do not understand and would likely never come around to. It’s not her fault, but having already dealt with one incompatible relationship in my life (on the grounds of religion), I am loath do so again. I admire her steadfast adherence to her way of life in an ever-changing world, but I do not believe I would be willing to change for her, either. Also, I can’t stand raccoons. Compatibility Score: -1
Mulan. Likes: playing dress-up, defying odds. Dislikes: antiquated views on gender roles. You’d think that being the only Asian on this list would help her cause – and it does. Only not enough to make up for my own personal insecurities. The thing about Mulan is that you could argue that she’s the only Disney “Princess” who actually accomplished something. She won a war against the Huns with little help. Her detractors will point to the presence of the lucky cricket, but let’s be fair: she’s an ass-kicker. What the hell could she possibly need me for? To keep her safe? I empathize with Shang completely in his awkwardness in approaching her for a non-soldier, romantic meeting. How can he handle that she’s better than him at the thing he’s best at? This is not even to speak of the ease with which she transformed herself into a passable male. In a relationship with Mulan, I’d bring nothing to the metaphorical table. It’s not you, Mulan, it’s me. Compatibility Score: 1 (only because she’s Asian)
Tiana. Likes: restauranteering, amphibians with royal bloodlines. Dislikes: alligators, voodoo. I have to admit that Tiana is a little past my time. While her story and the one it’s based on is an old, timeless tale, I have no connection – emotional or otherwise – to this newly minted Disney Princess. She does possess admirable qualities. She works two jobs. She’s open-minded. I suppose that the cultural conflict would simply be too much for us to overcome. I have to say, writing about these last two princesses has made me feel like a horrible person. What I’m essentially saying about Tiana is that I don’t know her and I don’t want to put any energy into getting to know her. Am I the kind of person who would let a small thing like the fact that a woman once transformed into a frog prevent me from ever caring about her? Yes. Yes, I am. Compatibility Score: 0
Rapunzel. Likes: floating lanterns, lovable scoundrels, fine hair care products. Dislikes: overbearing passive-aggressive foster mothers. She’s too young for me, bro! Rapunzel is the newest Disney Princess and I have a problem with that. I feel like she hasn’t put in the requisite time to be considered for the roster. Let her play out a few seasons in the minors before we anoint her the new “it” girl.” She’s got that whole Nicholas Sparks “I can make this relationship with a gritty, selfish ruffian work regardless of the odds” thing going on. I don’t find that kind of naive idealism attractive. I do, however, appreciate her will to break away from the despotic rule of her horrible fake mother and her determination to find the truth. It’s cute. But the law prevents me from entering into a relationship with someone so young. Alas, maybe in another life, Rapunzel. Compatibility Score: 0 (6 in five years)