Solving the Mystery of the Electric Razor Charger and 5-Tool Spiders

They say when one door closes, another door opens. Well, in my case, when one door closes, another door opens… and a spider scurries through it.

Mystery #1: Solved.

For those of you who are regular readers of my blog (thanks!), you know that one of the mysteries which had been befuddling the Higa fam was the disappearance of my electric razor charger. Well, our crack team of detectives solved that case last night. I was lying in bed watching an absolutely insane (and not in the good way) two-episode arc of Criminal Minds when Lynnette shouted my name from the kitchen.

Now, as any husband knows, one’s wife shouting one’s full name – versus the abbreviated version – is never a good thing. So when I heard Lynnette’s shouts, I my mind started racing. It might have been as trivial as having to dispose of a roach, or as cumbersome as finding the white stool so that I could climb on the counter and reach a box of Ziploc baggies we stored on the top of the cabinets. It was neither.

“Is your razor a Phillips?” she asked. “Yeah, I think so,” I said. “I found the charger!” she shouted with glee. “Where was it?” I asked. “It was in the video camera bag,” she said. She walked it into the room and handed it to me, then quickly returned to the kitchen. Something was amiss.

Whenever something like this happens- I lose my keys, only to find them in some place obvious, or I can’t find either of my sunglasses – Lynnette spends an extra few minutes to remark about how stupid I was to not be able to find them or remember where I had put them. But that gloating was absent last night.

Guess who’s going to give himself a shave in about 30 minutes?

So I lay there in bed watching a Criminal Minds two-parter that featured (in no particular order): a bank robbery, a hostage crisis, an explosion, JJ going hand-to-hand against an assassin, that same assassin holding JJ’s kid hostage, Will getting shot, then treated, then strapped to C4, Prentiss thinking about leaving, Hotch’s new girlfriend, a wedding, and a really hot assassin. That’s when it hit me. I looked at the charger and how neatly it was wound.

Lynnette didn’t gloat because she knew she put it in the bag. Our video camera bag is small and the only way to get the charger into the bag would have been to wind it up as pictured above. But I know – and I suspect that Lynnette knew – that there’s no way in hell I would have wound it like that. It’s not my way. I never put things away so neatly. So she quickly and quietly handed it to me and disappeared because she knew the truth.

I haven’t spoken to her about this yet, but I suspect she is reading this right now and laughing her ass off.

My biggest concern right now is that this will happen to me as I am driving on the freeway.

But there is a new mystery facing the Higa fam. Before I went home from the Encounter Retreat on Monday, I made a detour to the Town Center for a car wash. I had made a critical tactical error by parking my car under a tree for the entire weekend and the birds tried their best to make a magic eye painting on my windshield. The medium was shit on glass. Very avant-garde. Anyway, as I sat there in the line for the wash, I saw something flash across my hood. I leaned forward to look, and all of a sudden this huge spider sprinted up my windshield, right in front of my face. I cannot say whether or not I passed the man test by shouting in a masculine manner or not. It happened too fast.

Anyway, it disappeared onto the roof of my car. I had hoped that the car wash would take care of it. It didn’t. As I helped Lynnette and Madison out of the car last night, I saw the spider break dancing on the roof of my car. Since I had previously told Lynnette about my experience, I shouted “He’s back!” “What are you talking about?” Lynnette said. “The spider! He’s alive!” I said. “Oh no,” Lynnette said. Mercifully, she didn’t facepalm me. I got a slipper and tried to kill it. I landed two solid blows before it disappeared.

Now, my difficulty in killing critters is well documented, but in my defense, it was 1) very dark outside, and 2) crammed between my rear windshield and the spoiler. I couldn’t get a clean shot at it. I can only hope I have mortally wounded it. It is a big spider. Objectively, it is likely no bigger than the palm of my hand, but in my mind, it is the size of my entire hand, and did everything by stick a middle finger at me as I tried to end its life. This spider has length, a great motor, and great game instincts. It would probably go #1 in the fantasy spider draft.

I did a little research and my new pet is likely a cane spider. From the Wikipedia article on said arachnid:

Their exceptional agility and speed, as well as their ability to contort and squeeze through tight spaces, give them a strong advantage both in capturing prey and evading predators.

Now, I don’t know about capturing prey, but I can vouch for the whole “evading predators” thing. This guy is shifty. As I drove in to work this morning and lowered my windows to have a cigarette, my thoughts were with this hyper-athletic spider. Accordingly, I only slightly cracked my windows. According to Wikipedia (which we all know to be gospel), cane spiders hunt at night. That’s why he was doing shoulder rolls on my car. I will wait for him to show up tonight. But this time? I’ll have the equalizer: Raid.

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