The Wolverine: Les Miserables 2 or Mission Impossible 5

Finally, the trailer for The Wolverine has been released. I probably won’t be this disappointed again until the Mets fall out of contention in a month and a half. Once again, here’s my best English teacher analysis of a comic book movie trailer. If you missed it, here is my analysis of Iron Man 3.

This Frank Miller-esque poster made me think we were going back to when Logan became a samurai. Very tricky, Marvel/Disney/ABC/ESPN/Lucas Film.

This Frank Miller-esque poster made me think we were going back to when Logan became a samurai. Very tricky, Marvel/Disney/ABC/ESPN/Lucas Film.

0:10-0:16 – “I’ve been trying to find you for over a year,” says the Asian woman with red hair who stood out in every bar she’s ever been in. This line is an obvious allusion to the anticipation surrounding The Wolverine, as fans of comic books and/or Wolverine had to wait for Huge Jackman to stop running from the law – albeit without healing powers – in Les Miserables.

0:17 – Wait. Isn’t that Jean Valjean? If Hugh Jackman asks “Who am I?” in this trailer, I’m going to be pissed.

0:20-0:21 – Oooh, she’s carrying a samurai sword, which is an obvious reference to the Claremont/Miller series in which Wolverine does a lot of things inherently tied to my culture. I don’t care if a lot of it is stereotypical. I like ninjas and samurai as much as the next guy, but clearly not as much as this guy. Yeah, that’s some The Last Samurai spliced in there.

0:22-0:24 – “That’s not who I am anymore,” says Hugh Jackman. Identity crisis! This is Les Miserables 2.

0:30-0:39 – So this isn’t a flashback? It takes place in modern Japan? But we do get a World War II flashback. Logan survived a nuclear bomb and saved that other guy by holding a manhole over him. I guess.

We have the technology!

We have the technology!

0:40-0:49 – So that old Japanese guy’s bed is made from the inverse technology of this toy on the left. Is that comfortable? Or is it merely the state-of-the-art version of the time-tested Asian stereotype of the bed of spikes? I take it back, many more stereotypes like this and I might have to boycott The Wolverine until it streams of Netflix. Is that Mariko Yashida? And Jean Grey? What a stud. So wait, let me make sure I get this straight. Wolverine saved this one guy’s life in WWII. Now this one guy is dying, but he wants to pay Wolverine back for saving his life by making it possible for Wolvering to die? We’re on high irony alert, gentlemen. Also, is this going to be one of those mainstream films that plays at the themes of existentialism and identity without really getting there?

1:14-1:17 – “What they did to me – what I am – can’t be undone.” Well, The Wolverine trailer, thank you so much for answering my previous question so promptly.

1:25 – The Hunger Games fever still going strong! Why can’t anyone just be a regular sniper anymore?

1:27-1:29 – Wait, this is Vanilla Sky now? I don’t understand.

1:30 – Expository dialogue that sums up the plot in three words! I tip my cap, sirs.

Change the white to red, give her a pair of sai(s), and we're ready to roll.

Change the white to red, give her a pair of sai(s), and we’re ready to roll.

1:32-1:35 – Ho! Not the Mission Impossible train scene, ah? They’re fucking trolling us. They’re trying to see how many Tom Cruise movies they can cram into The Wolverine before anyone notices.

1:38-1:40 – That’s probably the Hand. If Jennifer Garner is unavailable to don the skimpiest red ninja outfit ever, I humbly suggest Jamie Chung as replacement Electra.

1:42 – Okay, that Vanilla Sky bit might make a little more sense if Mystique is in this movie. Is that Mystique? IMDB says no. Good, that would have been three different actresses.

1:44-1:47 – Two minutes later, Logan, and I am no closer to answering your question.

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