Malama Ka Mermaid

You know how it works. Before last Saturday, I hadn’t been to Kailua Beach since probably 2003 for a Summer Fun excursion. Now we’ve been there twice in a week. I’m not complaining, but it’s amazing how often that happens.

Bigger waves on Friday, Madison said.

Bigger waves on Friday, Madison said.

Madison was extremely quick to place Kailua Beach atop her beach rankings, dismissing Sandy Beach, which itself had ousted the long-standing champion Ko’olina. These things happen. While Madison hasn’t really been able to explain what it is about Kailua that she especially love, it seems like it has something to do with the Goldilocksian shore break which is not too rough (Sandy’s), not toocalm (Ko’olina), but just right.

Uncle Paul came with us yesterday and Mad was jazzed about that. She loves spending time with family members, I think because it breaks up the mom-dad-Mad monotony. She was quick to tell Paul over lunch that she was going to surf – as soon as she finished her lunch and the rest period, AKA torture.

One of the best things about Kailua Beach: water warm enough for Lynnette.

One of the best things about Kailua Beach: water warm enough for Lynnette.

Madison and I were lucky because Lynnette decided against wearing makeup this time, which meant the possibility existed that she would get fully into the water. At every other beach we’ve been to, the water is too cold for Lynnette. She does this thing where she slowly wades into deeper water. She moves like a glacier, but is obviously a billion-billion (an amount Madison coined) times hotter. Anyway, my gorgeous wife generally starts out ankle-deep, then makes a face that reminds me of eating Super Lemon. Slowly, she makes her way knee-deep, then waist-deep (sequences sped up for blog purposes). When the water’s really cold, that’s about as deep as she goes. At Kailua, though, she got ankle-deep and shrugged it off. She actually got shoulder deep before it was time for us to shower off and go home. And, since she did not wear makeup, she disappeared underwater. She emerged, wiped her face, and pulled her wet hair back. I don’t want there to be any possibility of misinterpretation: she does it for me. I don’t know how to properly make a cat noise, just know that I am making cat noises right now.

You know what I'm waiting for? The day I can just launch Mad into the water. That's going to be awesome.

You know what I’m waiting for? The day I can just launch Mad into the water. That’s going to be awesome.

Lynnette and I have only been doing Insanity for less than a week, but it’s already the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I remember running eleven laps at Pearlridge Park after my coach got pissed at us, but I was already in some kind of shape, and that only lasted one day. I wish there was a device that would broadcast my thoughts while I’m trying to do power jacks. I think those thoughts would be worthy of their own blog entry. Recently, I’ve been watching the video closely for breaks in the action. Whenever I see one, I say something like “F*ck you, Shaun T, you didn’t do all this in one take. You took a break! I know what editing is, asshole!”

The reason I mention this is because I cannot tell you how wonderful being in the ocean felt for my legs. If the camera adds 20 pounds, then ocean takes 30 off. I was doing things like picking up Madison, diving around, pouncing on Lynnette – in general things that I could do on shore only with extreme concentration and a string of expletives.

How come mom's mermaid tail looks better than mine? I don't know, but it's why mom puts the stickers on Mad's toys.

How come mom’s mermaid tail looks better than mine? I don’t know, but it’s why mom is the one who puts the stickers on Mad’s toys.

The sand is so fine at Kailua that when it gets wet, it packs itself tightly. This makes it a lot harder to shovel and scoop than other beaches with larger grains of sand and more rocks. When Madison said she wanted to become a mermaid, I looked around and found a partial hole dug by someone else. I started digging, keeping my core tight, being sure not to sacrifice form. I dumped sand on Mad and that’s when Lynnette took over. Again, she has a patience and attention to detail for things like this that I can’t even approach. She shaped Madison’s tail and fingered in the scales. I asked Madison to smile, but I got this face instead. “What are you doing?” I asked her. “The mermaid is in trouble,” she said. “C’mon, just one smile,” I said. She didn’t break character. She made increasingly more dire and dramatic faces which lead me to believe she has a little too much Pascua in her. Great. “The mermaid (you remember that Madison speaks of herself in the third person when she’s roleplaying, right? Like the “Muddy Puppy?”) is too hot and dry!” she shouted, oozing with urgency. I want to blame Mermaids: The Body Found.

Madison got to see how irritating mom can be. Finally, someone else knows the truth.

Madison got to see how irritating mom can be. Finally, someone else knows the truth.

I didn’t see Lynnette leave the scene. I opened my mouth to say something, turned slightly, only to find her missing. I turned around and saw her filling the bucket with water. No way. She walked up to within a few feet of Madison and launched the water at Madison! Mom turned on Madison! This was heel turn on par with Hulk Hogan joining Hall and Nash to form the NWO!

Madison was shocked. She wiped the water from her eyes. “No, mom!” she said. Lynnette was already on her way back to the water. Madison made the mistake of placing her wet hands on the sand. She could no longer wipe her face. Blinded by the salty water stinging her eyes, she struggled to see what was coming. Lynnette got even closer this time and dumped the water directly on Madison, sarcastically saying “Oh, here’s water, Mermaid!”

“STOP, MOM!” Madison screamed. Lynnette hit her with the water one more time instead.

Last night as we drove home from dinner with Lynnette’s parents and her cousin and son, I asked her:

Why did you splash Madison with water? You never do that.

She said she was dry.

But after that, when she told you to stop?

*Smiling* She didn’t get up.

But she asked you to stop.


You just wanted to irritate her!


What can I say? She does it for me.


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