Whiny Madison (Now With Tantrum-Throwing Abilities!)

I hope you never have to meet Whiny Madison. To borrow a phrase from Whiny Madison herself, she’s “no fun.” Whiny Madison is known to make appearances when Madison is tired. In this scenario, Madison is Bruce Banner and Whiny Madison is the Hulk; it works perfectly, right down to the fact that I don’t like Madison when she’s whiny.

Two seconds before all hell broke loose.

Two seconds before all hell broke loose.

“Look at my new glasses!” Madison said. She walked over to where I was situated on the couch. “Those are my glasses,” I said. I snapped a picture since I am morally obligated to take a picture of Madison every 15 minutes. Okay, 10. “Please put them back on the table,” I said. “But daaaaaaaaaaad! My glasses are too small already!” she whined. She picked up a pair of plastic glasses with circular lenses and floral print. “See?”

She was right. The reason, however, that Madison doesn’t own a pair of sunglasses is because of the uneven contours of her head. We’ve tried to find her cheap pairs, but none of them have fit properly. She threw her pink glasses into the kitchen. “Did you just throw them?” I asked. “Yes.” she said defiantly. “BECAUSE THEY DON’T FIT!” she shouted. I saw the makings of a tantrum. Most fathers might have tried to avert that crisis. Luckily for all of us, I am not most fathers. “Throw them away, then,” I said. “What? In the trash can?” Madison said, noticeably calmer. It’s as if she wasn’t expecting that, “Yeah, if you aren’t going to wear them and they don’t fit, just throw them away,” I said. “Well, I’m going to keep them because you said to throw them away,” she said, getting back into character. I was tempted to start talking to her about reverse psychology, but she wouldn’t have cared.

I swear to you my daughter is not a racist.

I swear to you my daughter is not a racist.

“I want to watch my shows!” Whiny Madison said. “No, I’m watching now,” Lynnette said. “YOU ALREADY WATCHED THE NEWS!” Madison countered. “I know, and now I’m watching this,” Lynnette said, pointing to some program on the Food Network. The lady on screen started talking in an Asian dialect none of us understood. This only seemed to bother Whiny Madison. “I HATE SPANISH!” she said. “It’s not Spanish,” Lynnette said calmly. “It’s Korean.” “I HATE KOREANS!” Mad Madison said. “Wait, I think she’s Mongolian,” Lynnette said. I don’t know whether she was serious or she was just trying to irk Madison. “I HATE THAT THING!” Madison shouted. That destroyed me. I couldn’t stop laughing. “I ONLY LIKE ENGLISH.” Mad continued, possibly trying to save face. “Too bad,” Lynnette said. “You can watch with me or you can do something else.” Madison gave up.

Abby the opportunist...

Wait for it…

...now!

…now!

Madison cooled and read a book before settling into her futon. Whiny Madison is known to show up most frequently on Monday afternoons (first day of the week) and on Thursday night in the middle of dinner (we’re usually out and she’s worn out from the school week by then).  She was quiet until Lynnette called my attention to Abby curled up next to Mad. It really was a cute scene, but Madison objected. As soon as the flash from my camera lit up, Madison started yelling. A startled Abby popped up from the futon and skipped away. Madison threw her hand up to block the camera. “You better not put this on Facebook!” she shouted. I am certain she has no idea what Facebook is; she’s merely repeating words her mother has uttered many times in similar situations which include – but are not limited to: putting on makeup, stalking around the house in ratty t-shirts, gorging herself on snacks, and doing Just Dance routines.

Well, in a fitting stroke of justice, Abby took revenge upon Madison for stirring her from pre-sleep. I was lucky to have caught it with my phone. Abby is easily excited and Madison’s shouting about social networking sites must have riled her, because Abby went in for the kill. She jumped in when Mad’s attention was on me. “No, Abby!” Madison said. Madison swung her arms around wildly. “Stop licking me!” Madison shouted. Abby moved out of arm-swinging range, then settled at a spot near Madison’s feet. “Abby just wanted to kiss you good night,” Lynnette said. “Well, I DON’T LIKE IT!” Whiny Madison said. A few minutes later, Whiny Madison was fast asleep and my sweet little angel returned in her place. Well, that’s what it looked like. But they’re all sweet little angels when they’re sleeping, aren’t they?

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