Open House Night: Through the Lens of the NFL Conference Championship Games

It’s going to be a long day followed by a long night. After the school day, we’ve got an Open House running from 6 PM to 8 PM. For your (but mostly my own) amusement.

Ugh.

Ugh.

1. The School Day. There’s a Macbeth Act I Test going on in my British Author’s class during first period. Then, I’ve got three periods of Othello with the seniors. To me, Shakespearean language is an inconvenience. To most of my students, it’s the equivalent of being the New England Patriots standing across the field from the Denver Broncos offense. Who’s going to cover Decker? What about Welker in the slot? What about Thomas? What about the other Thomas? Then, even if they’ve got that covered, Peyton Manning’s sitting under center shouting “52! THOU IS’TH MIKE! OMAHA! OMAHA! SET… HIKETH!” What about those pick plays? Why can’t they just speak in English?

Who’s smarter? Bill Belichick? Or Bill Shakespeare? Discuss.

"I WANT TO GO HOME! THEY'RE HOLDING ME!"

“I WANT TO GO HOME! THEY’RE HOLDING ME!”

2. The post-school day, pre-Open House grading period. They’re not really holding me here. But it makes no sense to drive to Mililani only to drive all the way back. So I’ll sit in my classroom and study film (from Netflix) while trying to grade some AP prose essays. Look, it’s part of the game job, I get that. I just want to be able to gripe about it like everyone else. So, God-willing, I will finish that set of essays before I have to leave my classroom for the Open House, but it’s just as likely that a few of my students stick around, greatly increasing the chances of random conversation, thereby greatly diminishing the chances of essay grading. Who’s got it better than us? Anyone going home at a decent hour.

"CAN YOU DIG IT, SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

“CAN YOU DIG IT, SUCKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”

3. The Open House. Mercifully, for the first time since I’ve been a teacher here, I’ve been given a reprieve on the night of Open House. Oh, I still have to be present, but tonight is a very special night because I will not be responsible to serve as a tour guide. That’s right. No jokes that prospective parents won’t laugh at. No awkward social discomfort. Instead, I’ll be in the cafeteria ready to talk about something I know: English.

Erin Andrews: Phil, you just finished Open House. How do you feel?

Phil Higa: I’M THE BEST SENIOR ENGLISH TEACHER AT THE SCHOOL (Editor’s Note: Phil Higa is the only Senior English teacher at the school)! YOU SEND A 6TH GRADER WHO DON’T KNOW ABOUT NO LITERARY ANALYSIS, THAT’S THE RESULT YOU GONNA GET!! DON’T TALK ABOUT ME!!!

Erin Andrews: Who? Who’s talking about you?

Phil Higa: BRENT LIMOS!!!!

Nice colors, though.

Nice colors, though.

4. The Drive Home, Arrival in the Mill. At the end of the day/night, I will be thrilled and relieved, but those emotions will be short-lived. It is wonderful to celebrate going to the Superbowl, but as we all know, winning a conference championship is not the end. Though the confetti may fall and the crowd may roar, there is still more work to be done.

So as I drive home bleary-eyed (probably listening to a Grantland podcast) my elation will be fueled by a sense of doneness (but mostly Coca-Cola). When I arrive home following a 15-hour day, I will shower, hopefully not rake my eyes out in the process of removing my contacts, brush my teeth, get into bed, then sigh. There is still more work to be done tomorrow.

KILL! KILL! KILL! CREATIVE WRITING THURSDAY! OMAHA! OMAHA! SET…HUT!

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