The Mission: Reappraisal has just concluded and the one-person committee has decided on the Most Valuable Player Award. The following people/items were instrumental in the completion of cleaning. The one-person committee originally considered handing out multiple awards such as Rookie of Year and Offensive Player of the Year, but with the field somewhat limited, the committee has decided simply to hand out the MVP award to maintain its prestige. The people/items are ranked in ascending order from “Not Really Valuable” to “Most Valuable.”
#47 Abby Higa. Aside from wandering into whichever room I was working on and constantly getting in the way, Abby was the cause of much of the clean up efforts. She’s forever tainted the carpets, it’s torn up in some places, and the couch pillows have been humped and bitten into a state of non-use. Of course, the best part of the entire ordeal is the fact that she was sent to Lynnette’s parents’ house yesterday during the appraisal because we knew she’d bark and pull stunts the entire time. Way to be a team player, Abby.
#42 The Shitty Weather. First it was muggy and breezeless. Then it poured relentlessly which meant we had to close the windows which meant absolutely no breeze. Then it got drizzly but simultaneously sunny, so it was gross. While I can’t say that the weather truly negatively affected our efforts, it did cause my deodorant to fail multiple times, so it has that going for it.
#34 & #33 Baccalaureate Luncheon and Graduation. Both events took place in the middle of both Saturday and Sunday. Consequently, I didn’t assist in the cleaning until the mid-afternoon on both days. Of course we’d have the appraisal following the busiest work weekend of the year for me. That’s how we roll. Incidentally, congratulations Damien Memorial School class of 2014! Thanks for a great year. Best of luck in the future. You should have come to my house after graduation to help us clean.
#24 Madison Higa. We tried to give her responsibilities, but about 4 minutes in, it became clear to me that she would prolong the process more than accelerate it. We gave her the weekend off, but it must have been the most boring weekend in the short history of her life. At no point did we do anything remotely “fun.” She watched a ton of TV, but somehow, never watched Mulan or Frozen once, which is mystifying. Like her mother and her mother’s father, she too is hesitant to throw things away, so it was best that Lynnette and I cleaned the pink room without Mad around. To her credit, she did limit her “I’m bored!” and “What are we going to do?” calls tremendously. In fact, she made more mention of the fact that our home looked “new” and “different.” “Different good or different bad?” Lynnette asked her. “I don’t know… just different…”she said, well on her way to becoming a woman.
#20 The Trash Guys. By Sunday Morning, both trash bins closest to our house were filled to the brim with trash, and later than evening, trash and water. We suspected that this was the situation in the other bins in the neighborhood, and it was. Why? No idea. Everyone summer cleaning? Scientists are going to have to look into this. Anyway, we didn’t think the trash collection was going to take place on Memorial Day, but some time during the morning, we heard the growling and beeping of thrash truck. It allowed us to dump a bunch of stuff on stand-by in the living room.
#19 The Dump in Wahiawa. Likewise, we were uncertain if the dump in Wahiawa was going to be open on Monday. I called. The man answered and before I said a single word, the voice on the other end of the line said, “Yup, we open ’til 6.” Juuuuuuust like those old Hawaiian Tel commercials back in the day: You must have read my mind!
#16 Tower Fan. My parents got this for Lynnette and I as a gift. “Who gives their first born son a fan for Christmas?” you might be asking, incredulously. Well, the answer is “awesome parents.” The tower fan accompanied me in every room in worked in, combating the aforementioned horrid weather. Full blast, no oscillation.
#11 Bath and Body Works. About halfway through our process, we learned we’d run out of hand soaps for the four sinks in our home. We picked up some – and wallflowers and air spray – on Monday. The colors gave our home some life and also now all our brand new curtains don’t smell like brand new curtains, but lavender-vanilla, which is the most Lynnette of all the fragrances at Bath and Body Works. If it were up to me, I would have emptied the clip of Eucalyptus Mint. So it goes.
#8 Phil Higa. Obviously, since I could not be home nearly as much as I wanted to, I am not up for consideration for the MVP Award. It’s nice just to be mentioned in the same breath as these other fine candidates. I’d like to thank the one-man committee for recognizing my efforts in such areas as vacuuming the stairway; scrubbing the toilet; taking apart the computer room and putting it back together; holding one end of the moving furniture; swearing; and using the same Hydroflask for five days straight. Thanks. Feels good to be valued.
#5 Our Dyson Vacuum Cleaners. To say they worked hard this weekend would be doing them an injustice. They worked harder this weekend than at any point in their residence in our home. I wouldn’t have blamed them (OK, I would have) if they had gotten soft due to our usual sporadic cleaning schedule, but they both stepped up. I’d like to thank Dyson for making such badass vacuums that suck up everything in our home, and also for making the vacuums with clear canisters so I am reminded just how filthy our house really is.
#3 Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. I wanted to get Lynnette on here so she could regale you with tales of how incredible this thing is, but that didn’t work out. Instead, I will simply have to tell you what she did with the magic eraser this weekend and hope I don’t leave anything out:
wiped the stairway handrail clean; scraped out the mold from the grout in our shower; cleaned the fronts of our fridge and dishwasher; got sticky stuff off the tile floor; cleaned the baseboards; revived the filthy areas beneath our windows; wiped down the grease on the stove and vent; erased the smudges on our wall, magically Houdini’d the damaged done to the walls by Abby’s fence; and sanitized every surface in our house.
Lynnette swears by the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser and will tell anyone who will listen of its magical properties. She said “I love this magic eraser!” more times this weekend more than she said she loved me. It’s true, but it’s probably also warranted: Mr. Clean looks better in a t-shirt than I do. Hmph.
#2 Lynnette’s Parents. They basically let us move back into their house without actually moving back in. I can’t tell you specifically what’s over there (because Lynnette and her father moved it all), only that A) it’s a lot, and B) there’s no way we could have done this without their help and graciousness. I know it must have been difficult for Lynnette’s dad to watch us throw so many things out, but it really is for the best. Now we have a house that they, we, but especially my mom can be proud of. I don’t know when we’ll be taking all that stuff back. Just a head’s up, you know?
Mission: Reappraisal Most Valuable Player: Lynnette Higa. She spent the entire weekend cleaning. While I was away on work related events, she was shuttling our belongings down to her parents’ house and dropping stuff off at the dump. She put up the curtains in the bedroom and the computer room. She walked around the house with the Magic Eraser obliterating any signs of human life. I am going to search Amazon for “magic eraser holsters” just for her. She came up with most of the design ideas. She hung our amateur paintings on the wall. She took care of all the paperwork for the initial refinancing meeting. She did all this and a bunch of other stuff I didn’t see, either because I wasn’t there or because I was in another room doing something else. Could I have done it without her? Of course. But it wouldn’t have been anywhere near as good. Thanks, Sens, for your leadership and direction in this horrible project that I never, ever want to participate in again. Our sexy house is a testament to your will as much as anything else.
Honorable Mention: Gecks Higa and the lizard shit he left all over the place; the guy on our block blasting “Turn Down for What?” over and over; my mom who read the last four entries in a trance of OCD rapture; the Costco garbage bags; my Pandora Gin Blossom’s station; Pokemon; Disney Junior for keeping Madison occupied.