Lynnette’s Sports Analytics

I got a text message from Lynnette today. I felt the vibration in my pocket, pulled my phone out and read the words glowing on the screen. Then I literally LOLed. You have to understand, if I get text messages from Lynnette during the work day, they generally tend to fall into one of three categories:

1. The Random I-Love-You text. My personal favorite. Sometimes she even tosses in song lyrics. Just last week, she dropped some Ed Sheeran. The best is when she sends these brief love missives that only vaguely approximate songs, like the time I am positive she ripped off Savage Garden when she wrote “I love you truly, madly, deeply.”

2. The People-Getting-Auuu-Nahts-At-Work text. Not my favorite. At this point I wish she’d just send me a voice recording of her mimicking the siren during a nuclear meltdown.

3. “You forgot to take your lunch.”

So you can show how message took my by surprise.

Great.

Great.

First of all, just the phrasing of the message. It begins a rhetorical challenge. I have something to guess, despite the fact that A) I have been given absolutely no context as to the content of this faux riddle, and B) I will not have time to guess since the answer is a period and space away from said rhetorical challenge. That’s right, my wife messaged me – with excitement (!) – to say that former Major League pitcher David Wells is diabetic. This is what destroyed me. I never get exclamation points tacked on to message types 1 and 2. But David Wells?

Boomer!

Boomer!

When Lynnette got home, I asked her about the emotion behind her text and she reiterated her happiness that Jay Cutler is no longer the lone professional athlete (she knows of) who is diabetic. This doesn’t make sense, does it? So I pressed her. And as I lay strewn out on the couch, she said sincerely, “I was just trying to find some common ground, you know, sports and medicine – look, I know it’s a stretch.” “You really think so?” I said. We both started laughing. What does Jay Cutler have to do with all of this? I’m so glad you asked.

Setting up to throw a pick.

Legend has it that Cutler selected his jersey number as an homage to the number of points his passes were worth – for the other team.

My knowledge of Jay Cutler is admittedly limited. Vanderbilt, Broncos, Bears, throws a ton of picks, two times as bad as Tony Romo but only catches half the shit. That’s about it. Well, Lynnette knows three things – and only three things about Jay Cutler: he’s a quarterback, he’s married to Kristin Cavallari (of Laguna Beach fame!), and he’s diabetic. The third fact is something she learned at some training or personal development session years ago.

Whenever she’d hear Cutler’s name on the TV, she’d casually say “Oh, Jay Cutler? He has diabetes.” She did this EVERY SINGLE TIME she heard his name. Eventually, it happened so often that it eventually became a running joke. “Look, babe, your favorite player!” I’ll say, and Lynnette will look up just in time to see a highlight of Cutler throwing a perfect pass to a opposing player.

On our way home from dinner tonight, I asked her why she was seemingly fascinated with such a specific medical detail of professional athletes. No joke, this is what she said: “Well, you always throw out stats and stuff and I just wanted to chime in.” I was in hysterics. I lost my mind, but thankfully kept control of the car. Honestly, that might have been the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.

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