Madison helped me affix an LMU sticker onto the rear bumper of my car the other day. I have officially run out of sports teams(ish) logos to acquire, but I’ve still got a lot of bumper left. This got me thinking…
I don’t follow hockey at all, and interest in the NBA was short-lived. I loved Shawn Kemp and Gary Payton and those 1990s Seattle Supersonics. But since I stopped following them once I got really into baseball, it would feel disingenuous to put a Sonics sticker on my car. Now, if I could find a sticker of the Reign Man pointing at a prostrate Chris Gatling? I’d have to strongly consider that. Otherwise, though, I’d have to step outside the world of sports to fill out the rest of my bumper. I’ve come up with some options, and tried very diligently to avoid the obvious sushi-cheeseburger-Coca-Cola favorites.
1990s Kristy Swanson. No, Kristy didn’t star in a multitude of films in the ’90s, but for some reason, she still did it for me. She played the title character in 1992’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She rocked short hair in 1994’s The Chase opposite a pre-winning Charlie Sheen. She was utilized far too infrequently in 1999’s Big Daddy. Back in college, Kristy spent over a semester as my computer desktop. She was topless, but her arms covered her bare chest. When I went looking for that same picture (for research) today, you know what I learned? There are tons of NSFW Kristy Swanson photos from the ’90s. I will have to research further on my own time.
The Midnighter. My favorite non-Marvel comic book character is the Midnighter, who originally appeared in the pages of Wildstorm’s Storm Watch. Later, the Midnighter and his gay companion Apollo would join up with other heroes and form the Authority, a group which featured unusual takes on DC’s Justice League of America. Apollo was a stand-in for Superman, and the Midnighter of course, was a cooler – because he was ridiculous – version of Batman.
The Midnighter has physical enhancements which make him the pinnacle of hand-to-hand combat. He also has computers (or something like) in his head that play out confrontations from all angles before they begin. It’s basically a coked-out, iPhone version of Batman’s mastery of strategy; it’s the same thing, only waaaay faster. The Midnighter, however, does not share Batman’s distaste for killing. For a better idea, my two favorite Midnighter quotes:
“Let me make this situation clear for you. I know what special abilities you have. I can see the enhancements. I can detect the increased electrical activity in your brain. I know what moves you’re preparing to make. I’ve fought our fight already, in my head, in a million different ways. I can hit you without you even seeing me. I am what soldiers dream of growing into. I am what children see when they first imagine what death is like. I’m the Midnighter.”
“I hit things until they don’t work anymore. That was the skill that was built into me.”
Pokemon. Specifically, this image. Ash never grows up. Pikachu never evolves. Like many works of fiction, the main characters in the Pokemon are locked in a contradictory realm of dynamic stasis: meaningful events take place, the setting changes, experiences are collected, but the principles remain untouched by the effects of time.
My Pikachu has grown too large to catch a ride on my shoulders. Soon, she’ll outgrow our mutual love of Pokemon and tell me she wants a two-piece bikini which comes in at a total price of $88. “But what about this $32 one-piece?” I’ll say. “DAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!” she’ll say. But I’ll always remember her this way, when we were the world’s finest team.