Lynnette and I don’t know the genders of the twins growing in her belly. As you know, I am not a fan of uncertainty. I would like to know these kinds of things in advance so I can start making moves toward decisions like color swatches for their bedroom, the color and features of furniture, and appropriately colored Cowboys and Mets onesies.
The biggest of the gender-based decisions, of course, is names. I’d kind of like to get this straightened out as soon as possible because Lynnette is notoriously fickle. She’s going to change her mind on the names she likes 385 times before the twins arrive, so I’d like to get started as soon as possible, thanks. For entertainment’s sake, here are some of the names I’ve come up with – on my own, obviously – based on the three scenarios.
Boy & Girl
Lindsay and Michael – My friend Brent suggested these options and it’s hard to build an argument against them. Lindsay and Michael Bluth are not twins – even though they’re kind of, sort of supposed to be. Still, having cause to say “Selfish, selfish Michael” through out the first 18 years of the boy’s life fills me with glee.
Jacen and Jaina – These are the names of Han Solo and Princess Leia’s twin children. Admittedly, I don’t know much about them, but I have one thing in common with Han and Lynnette’s a Filipino princess, so there is that. Mostly, though, Luke and Leia are too mainstream. I mean, why would I give up the chance to have this conversation every day: “Why Jacen and Jaina?” “They’re Han and Leia’s kids.” “From Star Wars?” “Yeah.” “Well, why didn’t you just go with Luke and Leia?” “…” AND THEN UNLOAD ALL MY DORK STAR WARS KNOWLEDGE TO MAKE THE PERSON I’M TALKING TO FEEL INFERIOR.
Apollo and Artemis – OK, I’ve seriously wanted to name my son Apollo for a long, long time. I can justify this desire in two ways. First, Apollo is referenced as both a healer and as a god of poetry; that’s a combination of Lynnette and me. Secondly, I’ve covered Matty with Madison, and it would be awesome to do likewise for Paul with Apollo. I am a reasonable man and these two arguments appear unassailable. The problem, however, is that I think I had something like a 11% chance of getting Lynnette to sign off on just Apollo, but the addition of Artemis significantly lowers those odds to the neighborhood of roughly -56%. Additionally, when I proposed this scenario to Madison, her reply was a curt “I hate that name.” Hmph.
Tegan and Sara – They’re a musical duo and that’s about all I know about them other than EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!!!!! The names are nice enough, I suppose, but this situation would be the inverse of the Jacen/Jaina problem. “Oh, Tegan and Sara?” A person might say. “I love them! What’s your favorite song?” “I’ve never actually listened to anything but ‘Everything is Awesome’.” “Oh, then why did you-” “…” AND THEN I FEEL INFERIOR BECAUSE I HAVE NO ACTUAL KNOWLEDGE OF TEGAN AND/OR SARA BESIDES THEIR PREFERENCE FOR WORKING AS A TEAM.
Mary-Kate and Ashley – Let’s just move on.
Nicole and Brianna – Granted, naming one’s children after professional wrestlers is not something one would assume Lynnette would be down for, but what one might not know is that Lynnette is a fan of Total Divas, the reality television show featuring a number of WWE’s female performers. As an added bonus, naming my daughters Nicole and Brianna would allow me to refer to each of them as Nikki and Brie, respectively (as they are promoted on-air), which is awesome because shortening people’s names brings me an inordinate amount of joy that I can’t even begin to explain.
Rey and Edgardo – Look, I’m going to cheat. Rey and Edgardo aren’t twins. They’re not even brothers. Rey Ordonez (SS) and Edgardo Alfonzo (2B) were the Mets’ middle infielders in the late ’90s. I love them. You see, the most exciting possibility provided this scenario is the chance for a shortstop and second baseman who will play together their whole lives with telepathic precision. Whoa, bebe. Also, it would be nice if they could hit, but that would require Lynnette to possess a recessive athleticism gene that doesn’t show up anywhere else in her family. So yeah, the chances of siring sons that rake are even less plausible than Lynnette allowing me to name them Rey and Edgardo. Sorry, hypothetical boys.
Castor and Pollux – Also from Greek mythology, but more so from Face/Off. In terms of the Greek tradition, their Wikipedia page is so dense that even a nerd like me had a difficult time scrolling through the numerous iterations of their history. But if we’re talking about Nic Cage and the other guy, then man, this is the very definition of rolling the dice. I might end up with a super-smart kid on one side and a psycho like Matty and my cousin Tyler on the other. I’m going to go ahead veto this myself since “Higa” simply isn’t anywhere remotely close to the vicinity of cool like “Troy” is. Asian for the loss.
Chad and Alex – A nod to JCVD and his seminal 1991 film Double Impact. Chad and Alex were twins separated at birth after bad guys killed their parents. Chad is raised by a family friend and is generally a squeaky-clean guy who teaches yoga classes to women who routinely ask him to do the splits so they can take a mental image of JCVD in that position, but also gives the movie a reason for JCVD to do the splits. Alex on the other hand grows up in Hong Kong and becomes a petty thief. And yet somehow, despite their disparate upbringings, they both speak with the same accent and are deathly efficient in martial arts. The biggest distinctions between the two are their respective hair stylings and the simple, obvious fact that Alex would never in his life wear black silk ahnderwear. The biggest upside to naming my prospective sons Chad and Alex would be the birth announcements featuring both boys with the caption “THERE ARE TWO OF THEM!?”
Apologies to: Tia and Tamara, Quicksilver and the Scarlet Witch, Tomax and Xamot, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito, Earl and Dave Hebner, Jason and Jeremy London, the two guys in Terminator 2 and Mom and Dad Save the World, the boys from Big Daddy who both played Adam Sandler’s mistakenly adopted kid, Kelley and Kim Deal who are in the named The Breeders and are therefore automatically ineligible for this list, the Morrises of the Phoenix Suns, Evan and Jaron who had that one hit about a girl they were both crazy for, Gunnar and Matthew Nelson, the guys who got screwed out of Facebook, Omar Epps and Mike Tomlin, the King of France and the other one who had to wear the iron mask, James and Joseph Agag, Razor Ramon and Fake Razor, Diesel and Fake Diesel, Shawn and Bret Michaels, George and Oscar Bluth, the sisters in the hallway in The Shining, Lindsay Lohan and Hayley Mills when they were in The Parent Trap, Lynnette’s cousins Jennifer and Joanne, the rastafarian ghosts in The Matrix Reloaded, Phoebe and Ursula Buffay, and the Minnesota Twins.