Mad and I had been looking forward to today all week. Lynnette and Abby joined us in celebrating summer at Aweoweo Beach Park. We got up, ate breakfast, watched a few episodes of Pokemon: Black and White (the 3rd season is on Netflix!), then packed and headed out to Waialua. What could go wrong? Let me tell you.
Lynnette remains obsessed with purchasing furniture for Abby that is doomed to failure. Nevermind that I point out the futility of this charade before, during, and after the fact; Lynnette continues to romanticize Abby’s relationship with furniture. Someday (and hundreds of dollar later), Abby will reward Lynnette’s faith. But today is not that day.
Lynnette found Abby a booster seat at TJ Maxx. Like Lynnette, Madison is very much an idealist when it comes to Abby. Mad more or less ignores reality and chooses to focus on how cool it would be if Abby used _________ the correct way. It’s hard to blame them, I guess, but also only one of them is 7-years old.
So Lynnette strapped the booster seat to the chair next to Madison. She attached the clamp-thing to Abby’s collar. And then Abby unleashed her high-pitched whine all the way to Waialua. Both dog enthusiasts/idealists implored Abby to stop screaming. “This is great,” I said. Lynnette shot me a puzzled look. “Because now I get to listen to Abby’s whining and you two yelling at her.” Lynnette was silent. This is as close as Lynnette comes to an admission of fault. I’ll take it.
Apparently sea turtles frequent Aweoweo beach. I did not know this before arriving there today, and I did not have my mask and snorkel. Boo. Still, a bunch of turtles underwater-sauntered close to shore to pick at the greenery growing on the rocks. This was a pleasant surprise. I got a bunch of pictures – all of the turtles were bigger than any others I’ve ever seen. Sadly, the downside of so much turtle activity is so much turtle turds in the water. Look, I’m not a marine biologist, it might just have been detritus afloat in the water as the result of the turtles ripping algae off the rocks. But it probably wasn’t. It was probably turtle feces.
Act I, Scene I
A beach. A husband and wife play in the water along with their daughter.
Madison: Hey, dad.
Madison: What’s that?
Lynnette: Turtle doots!
Madison: Eww! *looks around*
Madison: Is it all turtle doots?
Philip: No! *shakes head at wife*
Believe it or not, that takes some of the shine off a great day at the beach.
Judging from the way my skin reacted to the shower I just took, I have a sunburn. Sadly, it’s not your average sunburn. Lynnette coated my body with the last remnants of the suntan lotion can. Obviously, I am not a suntan lotion expert, either so I can only guess at what happened. The f*cking aerosol kept firing after the lotion ran down to a thin stream, creating the illusion of coverage. I did not notice anything until I looked at myself when I got out of the shower. I look like somebody took a roll of electric tape then used it to randomly cover parts of my upper body. Then, that same person – or maybe an accomplice or whatever – took a can of red spray paint and shot it all over my upper body. Finally, after allowing the paint to dry, one or both of the persons in this hypothetical peeled off the tape. If there were two of them, they probably high-fived. If it was just the one guy, he probably said “Dude, just like Eddie Van Halen’s overalls and Kramer!”