Kicking Competition?

1Lynnette is about 22 weeks into her twin pregnancy and by her estimation, she’s as “huge as a house.” She’s big, but that simile is inaccurate in terms of the shape her body has taken on. Her torso is a papaya with four nails sticking out of it. Lynnette likes that she can rest a bowl of ice cream (or whatever) on her belly, but has come to hate any and all waistbands. She’s moved even farther into the realm of wanting to eat all the food, but not having enough room in her stomach for much of it at all. She’s said that it breaks her heart. And she tries to compensate for this heartache by eating, but she can’t. You can see how my life has been made more complicated.

The most exciting news we have to share centers on Lynnette’s discovery of the twins’ kicking patterns. Both of them are pretty aggressive kickers, and this is what we know so far:

3The girl seems to kick and move around most immediately after Lynnette eats. This is terrifying, as this is exactly the kind of idiosyncratic behavior Lynnette has displayed since the beginning of our relationship. This little girl is showing Lynnette-based traits in the womb! I wish John Locke was still alive so I could shove tabula rasa in his face. Game over, man. Game over.

2My growing son seems to kick and react to loud voices. Lynnette says she can feel him shifting and kicking whenever Madison and I get into one of our world-famous singing-slash-shouting matches. It’s the thing where we argue with each other by singing our grievances to the tune of a song we both know. Yeah. But anyway, Lynnette says that the boy seems to be moved particularly by Madison’s voice, and I simply assume that he – like I – just can’t stand Madison’s whining and complaining.


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