Lynnette and I have spent a lot of time on the couch together recently. Whenever Cole and/or Avery decide that they’re hungry, Lynnette and I put together their bottles and plop ourselves down on the couch for some quality time. Abby joins us. Madison is lucky. She stays in the air-conditioned bedroom.
Anyway, sometimes it’s very late. Sometimes, it’s very early. Most of the time Lynnette and I have tons to talk about: her day with the twins, my exploits trying to stay awake in traffic on the way home, and who do we have left on the list for Christmas shopping. But all of the time, we’re tired. Well, this afternoon Lynnette’s parents took Madison to dance leaving Cole and Avery alone with Lynnette and me. What’s the worst that could happen?
I don’t want to answer that question, but I will tell you what actually happened. Two near-delirious parents of newborn twins played a round of Would You Rather? that spiraled out of control. Lynnette sucks at hypotheticals because she “doesn’t have time to think about that kind of stuff”, so I didn’t even get to field any questions. It’s fine, though, because Lynnette is hilarious.
P: Nathan Fillion or Luke Perry, both in their primes?
P: “One Life to Live” Nathan Fillion or “90210” Luke Perry?
L: Nathan Fillion.
P: Nathan Fillion or Matthew McConaughey from Magic Mike?
L: Matthew McConaughey.
P: Channing Tatum from Step Up or Matthew McConaughey from Magic Mike?
L: Matthew McConaughey. I don’t really find Channing Tatum all that attractive.
P: Matthew McConaughey from Magic Mike doing a routine, but behind a glass wall or a 90210-era Luke Perry giving you foot massage?
L: Ahh. Luke Perry…
P: Oh! Matthew McConaughey from Magic Mike or a “Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman”-era Dean Cain?
L: DEAN CAIN. Dean Cain will always have my heart…
P: You can have one night of passion with Dean Cain, but you have to wear a two-inch Jane Seymour’s Open Hearts Collection pendant every day, all day for the rest of your life. It will never come off.
P: What a sellout!
L: It’s Dean Cain. Make it challenging.
P: You can have one night of passion with Prime Dean Cain, but you have to have three nights of passion with 2015 Dean Cain.
P: Oh, wow.
L: I would do it.
P: Okay, you get one night of passion with Prime Dean Cain™, but I get a night of passion with Stana Katic.
Lynnette turned to face me. She frowned, squinted her eyes, and shook her head.
P: Oh, what happened, Dean Cain?
L: Why you gotta change it up for?
P: You said make it challenging.
P: Oh, not consequences!
L: I thought we were just having fun.
Lynnette smiled and that’s literally how it ended. I will never know if Lynnette loves me more than Prime Dean Cain™, but I take comfort in knowing that she doesn’t love Prime Dean Cain™ more than she hates the idea of me and Stana Katic. I think that’s the takeaway.