My parents were gracious enough to watch Cole and Avery last night so Lynnette, Madison and me could go on a pre-Valentine’s Day date. We went to Red Lobster because we had a gift card, but also because Lynnette loves lobster more than she loves Madison and me.
Lynnette is an incredible woman as evidenced by the fact that even when faced with the possibility of both lobster and crab legs, she chooses financial restraint and responsibility. “I’ll just have the something-something lobster,” she said. “Why don’t you just get the Lobster Orgy (Editor’s Note: “Lobster Orgy” is not an official name for a dish at Red Lobster)? It has lobster and crab,” I said. She didn’t say it aloud, but I knew she was trying to keep the costs down. “You don’t go to Red Lobster to not eat all the lobster,” I said. She just needed to be talked into it a little. Very little.
Madison’s original choice for this meal was MW. “But you’re just going to get the mac and cheese, aren’t you?” I asked. “It’s butter noodle, dad, not mac and cheese!” she replied. Great. “We’re not going to MW just so you can eat mac and cheese I said. “You don’t go to MW to eat butter noodle” is a variation of “You don’t go to Red Lobster to not eat all the lobster,” obviously. Mad was already salty when we got to Red Lobster. When she spotted mac and cheese on the menu, I prevented her from ordering it. “If that’s what you wanted, we would have made you a box before we left the house,” I said. She agreed to chicken fingers and a baked potato instead. She did the usual Madison things which indicate a protest, but she also ate all the chicken and potato, so the adults won.
I also ordered a not cheap lobster dish which I guess I’m going to call Lobstermania. It featured a petite lobster tail, a Maine lobster tail, and lobster alfredo. Honestly, I could have eaten just a punch bowl of the lobster alfredo, but such an option wasn’t on the menu. Alas.
Near the end of our meal I noticed that Lynnette had saved her own petite lobster for the end. “Do you want to swap lobsters?” I asked. “Nah,” she said sheepishly. “Why?” she added. “I don’t think I can eat all of the Maine lobster,” I said. “Nah, you can,” she said coyly. “Really,” I said. “OHHHHH-KAAYY!” she said with a dumb smile. In the interest of honesty and accuracy, I want you to know that this exchange took less time than it took for you to read this far into this paragraph. It took zero arm twisting.
I love lobster and crab, but not nearly as much as Lynnette does. In truth, this is why I love coming to Red Lobster the most: I know Lynnette’s going to have the time of her life and eat her food while hearing Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes singing about having the times of their lives and never feeling this way before in her head. Look at her face in these pictures!
Lynnette spends 96% of her time cooped up in the house with Cole and Avery. I can’t imagine how grateful she is to know – even if just for a few hours – that the twins are just fine and she doesn’t have to worry about them at all. It was all the crab and lobsters who had to worry. I imagine that Lynnette navigating her way through shellfish is her equivalent of turning a glove-flip/barehanded double play. She looks at and handles her lobster tails and crab legs in such a loving and delicate manner; it is a sensual kind of adoration and hunger which – sadly – my own tail and legs have grown unfamiliar with.