Thoughts on Super Bowl 50

Super Bowl 50 was possibly the most boring close game I’ve ever watched. The commercials were lackluster. The halftime show was underwhelming. But as you know, I possess a certain set of skills which make simple enjoyment of a football game virtually impossible. A day later, here are my thoughts on Super Bowl 50 and a bunch of stuff related to it.

1

*During the pre-game when all the previous Super Bowl MVPs were trotted out, my cousin remarked that only a few of the ex-players actually walked to their mark (yellow dot), stood there, waved, then moved on. “They don’t want to be there,” I said. Then, a few names later, that football Adonis Troy Aikman’s named was called. He sauntered out to the mark, stood, waved, then coolly proceeded to the platform. “Look at that! What a professional! I LOVE YOU, TROY!” I shouted. My fanboying of Troy Aikman was met with eyerolls from my entire family. Worst of all, my cousin Alana (a senior in high school) bombed my Facebook page with this:
2Just totally uncalled for. I wanted to swear and stuff, but she’s family and so I took it out on the food.

*If anyone knows of a way to buy stock in marmot stuffed animals, please send me that information quickly.

*That Super Bowl babies thing is kind of creepy. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t understand what message I’m supposed to get or how I’m supposed to feel. Since “Football is Family”, is the NFL taking credit for the creation of life itself? Come down off your high horse, NFL. You guys couldn’t even figure out a way to successfully frame Tom Brady for an infraction that could easily be explained by science other than to say you’re going to run tests on footballs and weather temperatures, then decide not to release the results of that testing.

*I didn’t expect for my dorkiness to be tested during the Super Bowl, but it was. When the trailer for the live-action The Jungle Book movie aired, I did that Phil Higa thing where my wonder manifested itself in naming all of the animal characters that appeared on-screen. It’s a good thing I no longer have to impress females or my line might have been naturally selected right out of existence. On the plus side, this trailer led to a 5 minute conversation with my cousin’s (not the high schooler) boyfriend about Duck Tales. Over the course this conversation, we confirmed that Duck Tales is awesome; that it needs to be put on Netflix immediately; that Launch Pad is a moron; that the Beagle Boys’ baked goods featuring get-out-of-jail goodies were the best; and that I am a huge dork.

*Mike Tolbert fumbled twice in the game and I accused him of being in on the NFL conspiracy to have Manning and the Broncos go over. After the second fumble, I shouted “Is that you, Tolbert?!”, a Major League reference that no one – including Matty – got. I was sad. But probably not as sad as Mike Tolbert.

*I eagerly awaited Von Miller’s violent hip-thrust sack celebration and if he unloaded one, I did not see it. That’s the footage that should have accompanied the “Super Bowl Babies” commercial.

3*How dare Coldplay ignore songs from Parachutes! If they had played “Yellow” and/or “Shiver” and/or “Sparks” it would have forced me into lamenting my ex-girlfriends and that would only have been about half as depressing as the actual game.

*Speaking of Coldplay, what were they doing there? Did the Super Bowl Halftime Entertainment Committee need a Caucasian band that badly? Was Maroon V not available? What about all those new rock bands I don’t know anything about?

*Beyonce has officially entered that exclusive realm of celebrity worship where she can do absolutely no wrong. She almost fell during her performance and for 20 minutes no one was willing to point this out on social media. When GIFs and comments finally started to pour in, they were under the guise of Chuck Norris jokes: “Beyonce didn’t trip, the rest of the world did.” and “The rest of Beyonce’s dancers screwed up.” She should have just roundhouse kicked Chris Martin and Bruno in their faces to drive the point home.

*I learned that Doritos cause pre-term labor and that they are essentially dog food. Fire the entire marketing department.

*Aqib Talib has a serious future as a pro wrestling heel.

4*There’s no way I can be the only one who would pay good money to hear the conversation between Eli and Peyton about Eli’s non-celebration as Denver wrapped up the game. Is there any plausible way Eli’s facial expressions can be explained other than “Look, I’m a Manning. We make weird faces.” ? Did he just realize he left his wallet on the shuttle? Was he upset that he’d have to change his travel plans? And he looked straight into the camera! I can’t tell which was more destroyed – Eli? Or the 4th wall?

*Did Von Miller really foot the bill?

* When the game was over and the media began fawning over Peyton Manning, I expressed irritation that he didn’t do anything in particular to earn the W. My uncle made the best counter-argument possible: How many times has Peyton’s team let him down? How many times did the outcome of a big game rest solely on his shoulders? This was payback. Fine. That’s fine.

*We ate burgers and fries and nachos for lunch. Lynnette told me that her friends – Broncos fans – made chicken parm sandwiches. I never wanted a chicken parm sandwich so badly in my entire life than when Lynnette showed me the tray of them in a Facebook picture. That’s how you do marketing, Doritos.

* Congratulations to all of my friends and former students who are Broncos fans, especially Chris and Dexter. I am sad that Jordan S. will no longer be filling my Facebook newsfeed with expletive-laden tirades because I really loved trolling him.

*Dalleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeese!

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