Gone Missin’

As you may recall, we lost Lynnette’s eyebrows. It took some time, but we were able to find them at a candy store in Windward Mall. Since that time, Lynnette’s been extra careful to put them away at night after she takes a shower. She puts them in a safe place until she is able to put them back on in the morning, unless we’re not leaving the house. If that’s the case, then she lets her eyebrows sit in their hiding place all day.

Well, another feature of Lynnette’s body has disappeared. I don’t know any other way to put this, so I’m just going to say it: her butt has gone missing.


Her jeans are frowning.


But I mean, spicy ahi she still does it for me.

First and foremost, of course I have Lynnette’s permission to use these photos and write this entry. Do you think I’m so crass as to put this out into the world without asking her first? Do you think me so brazen so as to risk being murdered in my own home? Exactly. There’s just no way.

When Lynnette was pregnant with Cole and Avery she became ultra-curvy. She’d walk around the house in a t-shirt and underwear – like a professional wrestler – and I’d give her a congratulatory pat on her round rump along with some encouraging comment like “I have tickets to the bun show!” and she’d just shout angry things at me – like a professional wrestler – until I disingenuously apologized and swore never to do it again before I waited 5 minutes and did it again.

Now? Her buoyant backside has vanished. The only other thing I have known to disappear so suddenly and conspicuously is my own metabolism. No note. No goodbye. Lynnette’s derriere desertion left me feeling like Matt Damon did Ben Affleck at the end of Good Will Hunting, but without the feel-good promise of better days. Compounding my concern over the departure of Lynnette’s glorious glutes is that fact that I’ve been constantly denied permission to look for them. It’s a conspiracy, man. Butt I won’t give up the search!

All jokes asside, though, Lynnette looks spectacular. The weight she gained during the her pregnancy melted, thawed, and resolved itself into a dew. She’s had to make some changes to her diet for the twins’ health and it’s obviously showing. I have heart-eyes all the time. It feels so strange to look her now, to hold her now, to be able to wrap my arms around her now and know that the reason we’re still so far apart is because of my stomach now.


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