Picture Diary: One on Two

Madison had a dance show last night. I heard she’s getting better but I have no empirical evidence of this because I was at home with the twins. It was the longest stretch of time I have been alone with them; over the course of 5-plus hours I had maybe 20 minutes of complete free time.


5:03- Madison and Lynnette left the house and I think you can see the concern on Cole’s face. You can’t see the concern on my face because I was taking the picture, but I hoped that Avery’s deuces were a peace offering of sorts, or a good omen. It wasn’t.


5:31- The twins got bored of me talking to them about how I really hoped they’d take it easy on me, so I put them on their play mat, just below Mr. Musical Light-Up Turtle. Did you know that Mr. Musical Light-Up Turtle is their favorite attention-grabber this side of light fixtures which bear resemblances to breasts? Did you know that Mr. Musical Light-Up Turtle has been more of a father figure to these kids than I have? Well, now you do. Shout out to Mr. Musical Light-Up Turtle, the clutchest guy in the house when it comes to holding kids’ attention when the only adult in the house has to sit on the toilet for a little while. 


6:16- The best case scenario is always going to be that at some point, both of the twins decide to take a nap at the same time. That didn’t happen at all yesterday. I tricked Cole into a nap, but Avery wouldn’t do it. She threw up on her shirt in protest and that’s why she’s shirtless here in this photo. It dramatically improved her mood to cruise shirtless. Maybe she felt a solidarity with her father.


6:57- Cole’s face says it all: You’re not the usual shower lady! Obviously, he was right. And, to show his displeasure at the disrupted schedule, he peed – from this seated position – out of the tub, over the edge, and onto my shorts and leg. As a father, I was impressed by the strength of the stream. As a human being who prefers not to be doused in urine? I was kind of frustrated. 


7:05- “YOU SHOOT THE WATER AT THEM?!” Lynnette gasped when I showed her this picture. “Yeah, why?” I replied. “I use the bucket!” she said. Well, when Daddy is the only sheriff in town, we do things a little differently, don’t we kids? Believe me, if I had it my way, I’d just buy one of those hose end sprayers, fill it with Cetaphil soap, then shoot down both kids at the same time. I am almost positive Cole and Avery would love it, but I am just as sure I would have to update my marital status with the government and my place of employment. 


7:26- This is right in the middle of the 7 PM feeding. Cole tanked his bottle and instead of getting hit with postprandial somnolence, felt reinvigorated. Avery on the other hand took two sips from the bottle before falling into a 15 minute nap. Yes, Cole is wearing a bib that reads “Baby Girl.” I understand the concern here, but I want to defend myself by making two points.First, the “Baby Girl” bib is among the best we own. It is think and accommodates Cole’s wide neck, chubby cheeks, and multiple chins. Second, I was just trying to survive.


8:56- Avery got back up and finished her bottle. After burping both of them, I asked Mr. Musical Light-Up Turtle  to regale them with music and flashing lights while I ate an entire box of mac and cheese, then washed it down with a root beer. In my defense, I hadn’t eaten since noon and I didn’t just put all the mac and cheese into my bowl at one time. I went back for seconds.


10:11- FINALLY.


10:15- I feel you, Abby.



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