“And after this, we’ll take their pumpkin pictures,” Lynnette said. “After we carve the pumpkin?” I asked. “No, I’m going to wash the pumpkin then take the kids’ picture next to it,” she replied. “Oh,” I said. And with that, I knew the Holiday Monger had arrived for 2016. As you know, Lynnette loves holidays and she also loves Pinterest. Sadly – or maybe not-so-sadly for me – she lacks the time and resources to go full-blown Pinterest. That doesn’t stop her, however, from trying her very best to make holiday-themed memories for her and her children. But mostly her. She tried set up a photo shoot in our living room. It didn’t turn out super-well.
Lynnette tried to position her three children (she didn’t bother with the dog who showed up to the session anyway) next to the large pumpkin. “Guys. Please just sit next to the pumpkin. That’s all I ask,” she said. Madison is smiling in this picture because she remembers what happens when people ruin Mommy’s trip to Disney Land by crying after the A Bug’s Life exhibit: they get yelled at. Conversely, you can see the building holiday rage on Lynnette’s face. It’s not a coincidence that no one’s looking Lynnette in the eye. The fear is real.
Cole and Avery were much too young to experience and remember Holiday Season 2015. Since they couldn’t even hold their heads up, the
Holiday Monger Lynnette didn’t expect anything from them but to lay still next to plates of Thanksgiving food and our Christmas tree. Not so this year. As you can see, by this time Abby decided she had anywhere better to be and Avery tried to follow her to freedom. If you place your finger on Avery’s face, then move it in a straight line in the direction of her gaze, you’ll be able to determine Lynnette’s exact off-camera location. I told you this fear is a legitimate thing, man.
“I don’t want to hear about how how heavy the pumpkin is! You’re going to hold it like you’re rocking a baby!” Lynette shouted at Madison. Okay, she didn’t really say that, but you totally believed she did, right? Exactly. That’s what makes Lynnette the Holiday Monger. That thing that happens to me when the Mets play very poorly or very well happens to Lynnette during the holiday season. All of her brains, common sense, reason, and logic that earned her one more degree than I did go out the proverbial window and she becomes this lunatic. She’s like Aquaman but instead of water, it’s holidays.
The best part: it isn’t even November yet.