Avery at 14 Months

Please don’t tell Avery that I’ve already posted Cole’s 14-month update earlier today. She is likely to be upset about having to share her day with Cole –  or anyone else for that matter – because as you are aware, she is something of a diva. Should she discover the post before this one, she might possibly strike her signature pose: legs stiff as two 2x4s, arms and head thrown back dramatically as if the end of the world is nigh. She throws in the scream for free. If I had any semblance of artistic talent, I would draw out this silhouette and turn it into a logo – like the Jumpman – and stamp it on all her clothing. But I digress.

10Avery loves food most of all, but Lynnette is a very close second. If Avery could, she would affix herself to Lynnette for all time, that way Mem wouldn’t be able to put her down and disappear into the bedroom or kitchen. Personally, I love it when Lynnette’s carrying Avery and she tries to pass her off to me. Avery can feel the shift in Lynnette’s body and as I get nearer, Avery turns her head to look over Lynnette’s shoulder and begins to cry. Females have been rejecting me since I could speak to them yet the stonewalling still stings. When I take the Avery, she strikes her signature pose which makes it difficult for me to hold her, so I lean to put her down which somehow makes her more upset because (I suspect) that it is an existential crisis she has not yet solved: I don’t want this man but I also don’t want to be put down, so which option should I choose if one of the options is not MOOOOOOOOM?!?!?!?

9The dork in my wants to start calling Avery “Unicron” or “Galactus” because her appetite is insatiable. Where Cole is picky about his food and prefers sweet snacks, Avery does not discriminate when it comes to food consumption. I just asked Lynnette if there’s any one food that Avery has denied more than once and she couldn’t think of any. You might have seen recent videos of me asking Avery if she’s hungry. Basically, she’s not constantly hungry, but if she is reminded of the concept of hunger or food or drink, she becomes triggered and consumed by the thought of consuming. If, for example, she sees a bottle of milk, she lets out a screech that is equal parts desperation and kapu. It doesn’t matter where she is in the play area, or what she’s doing, if you ask “Who’s hungry?” she will move like lightning (see below) in your direction while uttering sounds meant to evoke pity from prospective food-givers. Don’t worry, I only ask her this question right before meal time. I am not one to toy with her emotions (in this particular way, anyway).

Still, there are moments when the Gravy Boat (the name she answers to most frequently) absolutely melts me heart. If I am lying on the couch watching TV, she will intermittently walk over to me, then pat on my chest with both hands. Her tiny jaw juts out from under her round cheeks and she smiles so deeply that her eyes disappear. This, however, only happens if I have a shirt on. I don’t have a shirt on, she will walk up to me without a smile. She will then slowly extend one hand toward my chest and pinch my nipple. It hurts every time. “Why do you do that to Daddy, Gravy?” I say. But when I look in her face, it’s like she can’t hear me. Her eyes appear like those of a shark and in that moment, all she cares about is maximum amount of pressure she can apply to my vulnerable nipple. Sometimes she actually fusses when I remove her hand from my chest. So mean.

Bonus Gravy Boat footage:


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