Stomach Pains

By 8 PM last night I had washed the dishes and looked to be headed to an early bedtime. At 8:15 Cole vomited all over the couch. Lynnette re-bathed him while I took the sheets and waterproof pads off the couch and started a load of laundry. 8:30. Still looking pretty good for 8 hours of sleep. Nope.

12Right around 8:45 Madison shouted that Cole had thrown up again – this time in my bed. He had managed to tag three pillows, rendering them unusable going forward. I packed them into a trash bag and tossed them into our trash bin, which, incidentally, hasn’t been emptied since before Super Bowl Sunday. I had neither the time nor emotional investment (none of the pillows was mine) to play Michelle Branch’s “Goodbye to You”, but I did have the time to head on down to Walmart to buy three brand new pillows.

As I walked through the parking lot and into the store I couldn’t help but marvel at the turn of events. I was 5 minutes away from taking a shower and going to bed, instead, I was standing in a home and bath aisle pressing various pillows covered in plastic against my head to test for firmness. None of it helped. I’m an idiot. I bought two of the cheapest and then splurged on Lynnette’s pillow because she deserves it. She also deserved a salted caramel milkshake from Five Guys, so I got her one of those, too. I got back home, put the second load of laundry in the washing machine, then changed out the sheets before showering and going to bed.

3This is Cole at about 9:30. We thought the worst was over, but we were wrong. He got up at 1 in the morning and threw up again. Lynnette took him to the bathroom and once again I took care of the soiled linens before quickly falling back to sleep. Then, about an hour later, he got up and started screaming. He didn’t stop until something like 3:30. Lynnette tried to soothe him with movies, Pedialyte, and cuddles. I fell asleep at 4, but I don’t know when Cole stopped crying. And now Lynnette’s stomach is upset, making her the third (at least – and I say at least because my stomach is so shitty that I honestly can’t tell the difference between my usual fecal habits and my fecal habits when infected by some kind of stomach flu) person in our house to suffer this indignity.

Speaking of which, the best story coming out of last week has yet to be told so I am going to do so now. Madison was the first to get hit with whatever this thing is. She caught it last week and missed a couple of days of school. It also caused her to unleash farts so deadly that they rival my own. On Friday, Lynnette joined Madison for breakfast at school. They were joined mid-meal by one of Madison’s friends. “Are you in the same class?” Lynnette asked Mad’s friend. “Yes,” she said. Lynnette learned that she and Madison sit on the same table. A few moments later, out of nowhere and without any provocation, Madison’s classmate revealed that she had the stomach flu and missed school on Monday and Tuesday because of it. Lynnette was near tears telling me this story. I didn’t understand because it wasn’t particularly funny. “You should have seen it, Phil,” she said. “What?” I asked. “You should have seen Madison’s face!” she answered. Apparently, Madison realized that her classmate was the source of her illness. She turned to face Lynnette, tilted her head to the right, drew a tight line with her lips, and bugged her eyes out of her face. Lynnette couldn’t stop laughing. “She was so upset!” Lynnette said through her laughter.”Oh, should we write her a card to thank her for your farts?” I asked Madison. Then she tilted her head and made the face Lynnette described at me! I cried real tears.


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