This is Rupert. He is a plastic toy giraffe. Yes, he is that plastic toy giraffe.
Lynnette rediscovered Rupert (whom I named literally just seconds ago) while going through belongs to sell at the swap meet. “Look who it is!” she shouted while I lay on the couch. I looked up to see Rupert staring at me. Much guilt ensued.
For those of you firmly entrenched in the tl;dr group who did not and will not click on the link above, Rupert was Madison’s toy. Once during our first summer together, Madison gave herself a black eye by tugging on the PS3 controller cord. When the controller at the other end ran out of shelf, gravity guided it square into Mad’s face. I heard the crying from another room and saw the mark it would leave immediately. At the time, I could not cop to my own negligence. I would not bear the brunt of Lynnette’ swift anger and illogical sermons. I told that Madison held Rupert by the front legs, then shook it vigorously. At some point, I said, she whacked herself in the face with the giraffe’s head.
I eventually told Lynnette the truth (as described in the link above), but I had never seen Rupert since those early days of fatherhood. It was an awkward reunion. Madison spoke accusingly of a situation she was involved in but could not remember; Lynnette tried to make me feel bad; and I felt a little bad. But, to make it up to Rupert, Lynnette has already bestowed upon him the highest honor an inanimate object can receive from out family: placement in the glass display case section of the entertainment unit. Rupert’s enshrinement means he can never again be used as a scapegoat for my carelessness and resulting injuries to my children. He will join -among other things – Rutherford Jameson’s trophy, all of Madison’s ceramic Christmas gifts to us, pieces of soap Madison refuses to let dissolve, my nano-block Farfetch’d, Disney pins, the twins’ first ultrasound, and something made out of pipecleaners that I can’t make out from my seat.
Rupert took one for the team and was banished to a box for 8 years. Welcome to the Hall of Fame, Rupert. You’ve earned it.