“I’ll Even Let You Hold the Remote Control”

Sometime last week our remote control – yes, that bastion of convenience – began responding slowly to commands and eventually quit completely. I changed the batteries and cleaned out the battery area and got it to work sluggishly again, but not before I had placed a call to Oceanic/Time Warner/Spectrum/Whatever it is they’re calling themselves these days to request a new remote. That bad boy came in yesterday.

1The remote on the left is the OG. It has been the only remote we’ve used for our cable since we moved into our place, and while I have to strong emotional attachment to it, I am pretty sure Madison does because that’s what she does. I am positive that she’s already scheming ways to make sure the remote winds up in the glass case Hall of Fame in the living room beside all her favorite pieces of soap.

I am thrilled that the buttons on the new remote are almost all in exactly the same place as the old one. It’s one of those things – if you ask me where certain buttons are on the remote, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. But, if I had it in my hand, I could complete the function without looking it. Muscle memory or something. Perhaps the remote has become an extension of my being. But that’s a sci-fi story for another day. The new remote’s going to take some getting used to as the buttons are so responsive. Our old remote had a kind of delay, so I had learned a slower cadence. Last night when I used the new one, I couldn’t get to the channel I wanted to immediately because my fingers kept punching in the right numbers, but at the wrong time.

2I wiped down the old remote and tossed it into the play area. Within second, Avery descended upon it and began pressing buttons. I think she was curious as to why:

A) There was no noticeable consequence occurring on the television.


B) No adult in the room immediately swooped in to take the remote away from her.

As you can see in the picture, she eventually gave up on trying to change the channel and began using the remote as a flute. You can also see Cole’s jealousy in the background. Maybe you will think less of me as a human being, but I know how this works. I’ve already decided to take the OG remote away from them from time to time, just to maintain the illusion that it does not belong to them. This is totally necessary. As you parents out there know, the second the kids know they can have it, they don’t want it.


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