Madison-Speak is a collection of thinly-veiled hints at a desired object, outcome, etc. which one or more parents or guardians must suffer through before Madison finishes beating around several bushes. Over the last few months, Madison repeatedly mentioned homemade slime in the following ways:
“We learned how to make slime in school today.”
“Did you know that you use borax to make slime?”
“You know, the slime’s not sticky, mom.”
“Some kids were getting burned by the borax when making their slime.”
“There are other ways to make slime without borax.”
“Did you know there’s a way to make slime with just baking soda, glue, and contact lens solution guys?”
*sighs* “I wish I could make homemade slime.” *sighs*
It was a masterful performance worthy of her mother. So we did try to make slime. Three times. We failed all three times.
Attempt 1 “Old Glue”: We followed a recipe on the internet which called for the use of glue, laundry detergent, and baking soda. The “slime” got thick, but never reached the consistency as shown in the how-to videos. “That’s old glue,” Lynnette said when Madison and I voiced our disappointment. “That glue is from like… when Madison was in Kindergarten,” Lynnette continued. She didn’t help, only criticize, but that’s how she rolls.
Attempt 2 “We Should Have Known Better”: Lynnette believes I am incapable of following instructions of any kind so she decided to show me up by making the slime with Madison. Since Attempt 1 was an utter fiasco, we called on the internet again for an alternative recipe. The girls mixed body wash, shampoo, and salt, then put the mixture into the freezer for 15 minutes. Fifteen minutes later, Madison was playing with cold, salty shampoo on our dinner table.
Attempt 3 “I Might Be the Only One in My Family Who Understands What ‘Reputable Website’ Is”: I don’t even know what kind of website Lynnette and Madison unearthed this last recipe from, but it was somehow even worse than the one in Attempt 2. Madison and Lynnette mixed water, cornstarch, and food coloring in another attempt to make slime and all they did was make dirty dishes. The crazy thing is, Lynnette can cook! She knows what mixing these things does!
I ran some errands today and for some reason (Madison’s classical conditioning!) thought of Madison’s slime. I went to look for not old glue and found an empty shelf. Above it were boxes of baking soda and food coloring. On the lowest shelf, a sign gave the recipe (in exact measurements!) of the homemade slime. I went to Target, Walmart Kapolei, and Longs Kapolei before finding not old glue at the Kunia Walmart. I bought two handfuls of glue and told Madison about it when she got home. She finished her homework before we started.
Attempt 4 “I Can Frickin’ Follow Instructions, K, Lynnette?!”: I used two bottles of glue and one tablespoon of baking soda. Then, Mad added food coloring to her liking. Finally, we mixed in 1.5 tablespoons of contact lens solution. Once the solution hit the mix, the texture hardened immediately. After mixing it into a slime and finding the surface still tacky, we mixed in another half tablespoon of lens solution and it was perfect.
For Madison: Just get to the point, already.
For Lynnette: Don’t believe everything you read on the internet, even if you have two degrees.
For Philip: Even if you totally understand the passive-aggressive language of the females living in your house, make them come out and say it anyway because that in and of itself is a small victory and likely the only kind you are allowed.