You might not be aware that Summer is rapidly approaching, but let me tell you – Costco is. I spent an hour there today waiting for Madison’s dance class to finish. I took a stroll through the seasonal section of the store and snapped a few pics of the offerings. Not only is Costco aware of summer’s arrival, but it’s only concerned with PEAK SUMMER. Costco wants you to know that (if you have a membership) you can purchase the BEST SUMMER EVER.
Derby Duck, $49.99. Derby duck is a massive inflatable raft/warship that doubles as the mascot of PEAK SUMMER. He’s not satisfied with just being massive duck, oh no, you’re also going to have to inflate his wayfarer-styled sunglasses. I, for one, am just stunned old Derby here didn’t remember to pack the bluetooth headphones. I’m gratefull that someone decided to drop a few boxes of protein bars under Derby for scale. This thing as huge. I say this as the proud owner of an inflatable orca floatie that’s been resting comfortably on the clotheslines in the garage. Purchasing Derby Duck is likely to lead to two scenarios: A) dope drone footage of you and your friends getting drilled at Sandy’s, and B) the existential crisis of “If we inflate this at home, how are we getting it in the car, but if we inflate it at the beach, who’s going to blow it up (always dad)?”
Fatboy Lamzac Instantly Inflatable Portable Louger, $39.99. You’ve probably seen footage of these bad boys on your preferred social media platform.
EXT. AN IDYLLIC YET IMPOSSIBLY UNCROWDED BEACH – DAY.
The family has set up all of its PEAK SUMMER supplies. The tent is pitched. The table is erect and adorned with the finest meats and cheeses. Mom generously applies sunscreen to the young daughter. An older child who has just turned the legal age to drink cracks open a Corona (possibly a Bud Light Lime, if they are willing to pay for placement) and takes a sip. Dad wipes his brow. He places his hands on his hips.
What a mighty fine summer day!
*Mom – still squatting – turns to face her husband*
You might even call this PEAK SUMMER, dead.
*Son takes a gulp of Corona/Bud Light Lime (possibly Samuel Adams Summer Ale, if they are willing to pay for placement)*
Well, somebody forgot the chairs!
PEAK SUMMER? More like Reek Summer.
What? Where did you even learn to, like, talk like that?
You, alright? I learned it from watching you!
Cut it out right now! I won’t have you ruin PEAK SUMMER!
*Dad reaches behind back and whips out Fatboy Lazmac Instantly Inflatable Portable Lounger*
I’ve got your PEAK SUMMER right here!
SWV’s “Right Here” plays in softly in the background. Dad begins to run across the beach to catch air inside of Fatboy Lazmac Instantly Inflatable Portable Lounger. A mix of close-up and tracking shots of Dad in slow-motion. Cut to ecstatic faces of family members. Cut to entire family sitting on Fatboy Lazmac Instantly Inflatable Portable Lounger as if riding a very long horse, laughing.
Chillax Travel Hammock, $29.99. Somebody’s getting sued. Look, I can’t be the only local guy who came of age in the 1990s who used “Chillax” as a combo of “chill out” and “relax” as a way of telling my friends (but not my parents, obviously) to calm down. If I remember correctly, the “take a chill pill” had already fallen out favor with the cool kids, just like the shaved head/long bangs hair style and Guns N’ Roses. Still, I feel upset that some company profited from something a bunch of dumb kids came up with 20 years ago. Mostly, though, I simply don’t have enough athleticism left to confidently operate a hammock. The Chillax Travel Hammock might cost $29.99 retail, but it comes with the additional cost of your dignity. Ok, my dignity.
California Innovations Titan 60 Can Rolling Collapsible Cooler, $39.99; California Innovations 16 Can Cooler, $16.99 (on sale). This is the true test. Are you down for summer? Or are you down for PEAK SUMMER? If you are interested in just the run-of-mill summer, then California Innovations has the cooler for you! This nifty cooler comes with a foam-padded shoulder strap, is zipperless so as to promote easy access, can hold up to 16 cans plus ice, and can keep that ice cold for up to two days! But. If you are a legit summerer concerned only with PEAK SUMMER, then California Innovations would like you to ignore that practical and perfectly fine bag and witness the BROCK LESNAR of coolers! It does everything that the baby cooler does but WHO NEEDS A FOAM-PADDED SHOULDER STRAP WHEN YOU’VE GOT WHEELS, BABY? NOBODY. YOU KNOW WHAT’S BETTER THAN HOLDING ICE FOR 2 DAYS, BABY? HOLDING ICE FOR 3 DAYS, BRUH! WHAT KIND OF SUMMERER ARE YOU. BOI? But it’s totally up to you. No pressure.