We’ve been going through some life changes, might as well update the “About Us” page.
My name is Phil and like all Phils in popular culture, I am lame, awkward, and certain to produce scoffing. You might even shout “Dork!” at me while pretending to cough. I won’t take any of it personally. I enjoy writing. There was a time when something like 50% of this blog was dedicated to thought pieces and hot takes on sports and popular culture, but over time my interest in both has waned. I got old. It happens. Anyway, now this space is 97% occupied by the details of my family’s adventures and fiascoes, because those are the two best kinds of stories. Below are the other main characters in this sprawling, epic saga.
Lynnette is my wife. I met her in 2000 when I had a jawline and she used to wear tank tops which exposed her belly button ring. The turn of the century was an amazing time to be alive. But so yeah, she’s a nurse which means I married up and also that she treats all the other living beings in our house like her patients which means that none of us is ever right and she can never be wrong but she can’t explain why because of HIPAA. She is often concerned that I portray her as a kind of clown-villain. My only response to these allegations is that’s ridiculous and stories are always more compelling with an antagonist. Amazing woman, though.
Madison is my (as of this moment, but these things change) 7-year old daughter. She remains the best thing that ever happened to me even though she’s already mastered eye-rolls in my direction and spiteful tone which accompanies a declaration of “YEAH, DAD!” the sting of which only a father truly knows, understands, hates, and ruefully mumbles about. She is a good student, a beginning soccer player, and says that she would like to become a nurse to help others just like her mother. I suspect, however, that she likes the idea of never being wrong.
This piece of work is our dog Abby. She’s a maltese-hot dog mix. She does two things at an expert level: bark at people (that she can’t see) talking outside our home and troll us by taking a dump on the carpet, but only when we aren’t home. If we’re home, she goes on the pad. She’s a spiteful dog who tries to exert control over her human masters in the only avenue available to her. She revels in watching us clean up her feces. Other than that, Abby enjoys fetching her rope bone and being hyper-aggressive about the acquisition of scratches.
Cole is the older of two twin children who have joined our family recently. He is an avid eater and sleeps with his mouth open. These are two undeniable Higa traits. We were totally cool until Lynnette and I decided to have him circumcised. Now when I change his diaper he screams at me and I am almost positive that he whispers the word “betrayal”. Sorry, boy. He is my first and only son, and now my plans of methodically training and programming a middle infielder can finally commence. If I knew of a way to import a mad scientist’s laugh in this exact spot, I would have. You’ll just have to settle for it in your imagination.
Avery was born 18 hours after Cole – on the following day. My mom and my wife and my wife’s mom all suggest that she did so in order to have her own birthday. She wasn’t interested in sharing one the way Madison and I do. It’s an interesting theory considering that all three of the women spouting this hypothesis are high maintenance in their own right. It’s early, but Avery appears to enjoy listening to people speak to her. I will enjoy this for as long as it can last, especially since my other daughter pretty much stopped listening to me two years ago.
We don’t lead exciting lives, but we try to live full ones. Enjoy.