Memorial Day 2012: Shopping and Romance “Literature”

I’m sure throwing up on the carpet of the Nordstrom’s Women’s Shoe section would have been frowned upon.

The Higa family spent Memorial Day doing what we do best: looking for deals. Lynnette was born with a bloodhound’s sense of smell for retail sales; her nose for savings led us to Ala Moana yesterday. There were, to be sure, several purchases made by our family, but I am most happy to report that we’ve made it another year without Madison giving a crap about shopping. Lynnette and I have done such a good job raising Madison that she actually turns down opportunities to purchase things. For example, we’ll ask if she wants a dress. She’ll look at it and make a call immediately. There’s no Lynnette-esque wishy-washy, I-want-to-get-it-but-maybe-I-shouldn’t, red wire or blue wire hesitation thus far in Madison, and that makes me happy. She even asks “Is this ‘spensive?” if what she’s eyeing looks pricey.

Aside: We made yet another trip to Eden in Love yesterday. Lynnette spent close to half-an-hour scouring, trying on, and making decisions. When she got to the register with her purchases I asked her “Are you getting a skinny belt?” “No,” she replied. “You may as well get a skinny belt now because otherwise you won’t be able to recreate the look when we get home and you won’t wear the dress,” I said. The cashier looked at me and smiled, then looked at Lynnette. “Okay!” Lynnette said. It’s not mind-reading so much as it’s collecting years’ worth of data, looking for trends, and then making the best call based on all the available information. Marriage: so sexy.

If I had known that Madison would love fake dogs for such a long time, I would have bought Abby from Toys R Us.

I never understood why Jungle Fun set up that table with random automated toys out in front of the store. I still don’t, but I guess it might have something to do with the fact that my daughter must stop by it every time we come within a 50-foot radius of the store. Yesterday, there were four fake barking, walking dogs. As you know, Madison has a thing for fake dogs. In our home alone, Abby has to compete with Ruffy (a pull toy), Roxy (the fake puppy formerly known as Delection), and an electronic puppy on her toy computer for Madison’s affections. At Jungle Fun yesterday, I arranged all of the puppies in a line and then released them to create something of a race. Well, the picture you see is the result of that “race.” The Taco Bell dog left the others in the dirt and that husky-ish puppy never really competed. Of course that’s the one Madison was drawn too. “Awwwwwwww, it’s okay, puppy,” she said as moved it up to the rest of the pack.

A summer job would probably get this done, but whoring myself out seems much quicker and likely more enjoyable.

Speaking of toys, it was a bittersweet moment indeed to learn that the Lego Store carries officially licensed Marvel and DC lego sets. A few weeks ago one of my students told me that Lego would soon be releasing a few Lord of the Rings sets. As cool as that is, it’s nowhere near as awesome as the comic book sets. I might be biased.

The Batman sets include the Bat Cave (far left) with a little contraption that allows you to slide Bruce Wayne in and Batman out – and vice versa (!). Of course, there is also a Batmobile/Bank robbery set (right) and a helicopter/Batjet (or whatever it’s called) chase set.

My ambivalence, of course, is founded on knowing that I am far too old and have far too many other financial obligations to spend near $200 to complete a Batman Lego set, but wanting so desperately to buy it, build it, scream at Madison not to touch it, then forget about it as it gathers dust in some quiet corner of my house.

To quote the narrator at the beginning of Armageddon: It has happened before. It will happen again.

The Gilly Hicks Waiting Area featuring bored 4-year olds and 32-year olds with sore feet!

I think the shopping highlight of the day came courtesy of Gilly Hicks. I’m not sure whether this is true or not, but sometimes I get the feeling that Lynnette is an underwear snob. Back in the day – long before we were married – Lynnette had not planned on staying over at my parents’ house and as such, did not pack an extra set of clothing. She already had some clothes at my house, but did not have any underthings. “Let’s just go to Walmart and get like a 9-pack or something and you can just leave them at my house for occasions just like this,” I said. “I’m not going to wear Walmart underwear!” she said defiantly. Well, we ended up going anyway – because Pearl City is closer than Mililani – and she hated every second of the search, purchase, and eventual use of Hanes panties. She’s a Victoria’s Secret girl. Perhaps it goes back to her days in college when she worked at VS. I don’t know. When we saw that Gilly Hicks had a seven-for-$26 deal on underwear, I suggested Lynnette poke her head in and check it out. Well, she did. Madison and I set up shop on the patio area fronting the store. Fifteen or so minutes later, Lynnette emerged from the store with a little bag and said “I have to admit that they’ve got some pretty good sales,” as if the idea of any store other than VS having serviceable underwear was such a stretch. Madison and I got up and I took the bag from Lynnette (because I’m not that guy who makes his partner carry all the shopping bags, even if they’re all hers) and said “So did-” Lynnette cut me off. “No, I didn’t get any thongs. I don’t wear those anymore. I’m a mother now.” Parenthood: so sexy.

Aside: Madison has a very sensitive nose, apparently. There are certain stores – such as Gilly Hicks and Abercrombie and Fitch and Basique Threads – that some kind of smell that turns her off. Yesterday we got about half-way into Gilly Hicks before the smell of their perfume or whatever hit Madison’s nose. She immediately pressed her nostrils down with her fingers and said (with a Muppet voice) “I don’t like the smell, dad. I wanna get out of here.” Whenever she does this, I say “What?” then she’ll say it again. Then I’ll say “I can’t understand you because you’re holding your nose.” Then she releases her nostrils and screams “I don’t like the smell! I wanna get out!” Before quickly clamping them shut again. It is hilarious every time.

There would be no take-home box.

“I’m going to be brave,” Madison said. She was talking about sleeping over at my parents’ house last night. Friday was Mad’s last day of school, and any other year, that would have been fine. But this school year, the underclass finals are after graduation. That means I have work this week. I’ve worked it out so that I don’t have to come in on Thursday, but I’ve had to make arrangements for Madison on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday.

We broke the news to Madison on Sunday night. She was hesitant. “Why do I have to sleep at grandma and grandpa’s?” she asked. “Because mommy and daddy still have work,” I said. “I don’t want to,” she said. “Well, Abby can’t watch you,” I said. “Is there anything you want me to pack for you?” I asked. “Well, some pajamas. And some snacks. And some other clothes,” she said. “So you can go out?” I asked. “Yes,” she said.

When I get filthy, rotten rich, I am going to hire a live-in masseuse and a live-in sushi chef.

When we dropped Mad off at my parents’ house on the way home, it went off without incident. She hugged and kissed both of us goodbye and disappeared into the living room. “Are you two going to dinner now?” my mom asked. Lynnette and I looked at each other with matching looks of surprise. I have no idea how the hell neither of us thought of that. So that’s what we decided to do. We ate at Kunio. We had a nice conversation about missing Madison (we always do this, I suppose it somehow assuages our guilt) and a few other things. Mostly, though, we just inhaled food.

When we got home, Lynnette began reading Fifty Shades of Grey (which apparently features a bunch of kinky sex and whatnot) and that was that. I watched some Criminal Minds on TV. Every so often, I would say something, ask Lynnette a question, etc. and Lynnette would come out of her book shouting something like “What? I’m trying to read!” I smiled. You see, whenever I am reading, she bugs the shit out of me. Like my reading isn’t important and I could simply bookmark my page, do some menial task, then get right back to reading it. If you’re a reader, you know this is not true.

So when she put the book down to brush her teeth and turned off the light in the bedroom, she dove back into bed and said “Can you turn your lamp on?” Our room was shrouded in darkness. I lifted my left hand and began to move slowly. Like glacier-slow. “Can you turn your light on?” she asked again. I continued to move slowly. “What are you doing?!” she shouted. “I’m trying to read!” I started laughing. “It’s suuuuuuuuuuper shitty when you’re reading and people bother you, yeah?” I said. She started laughing. “Yes!” she said. “I will never bother you again!” Win. I turned the light on. Then I sat up and started playing with my phone. A few second later, she started making grunting noises. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “You’re in my light,” she said. “Let’s switch sides!” she shouted. I acquiesced. She plowed through the first 100 pages of the novel.

“He just showed her his play room,” she said, closing the book for the night. “What, with like whips and chains and swings and stuff?” I asked. “Yeah, and handcuffs,” she added. “Did let the gimp out?” I asked. “No, I don’t think he likes the gimp,” she said. “But he has everything else!” Good. God. “I like this Christian Grey,” she said. “Oh, no,” I said. “What?” she asked. “Now we need to get a life-sized cardboard cutout of Christian Grey to put in the garage next to Edward Cullen,” I said. She just laughed. I assume she will spend part of her morning on Googling whether such a thing exists.

Super Hero Cinema

Whoa, bebe...

*I haven’t seen Thor or Captain America, but that’s mostly because I’ve been waiting to add both films to my blu-ray collection. Still, I’m excited for The Avengers. I’ve tried my best to make sure I don’t spoil it for myself by not Googling rumors about the plot, antagonists, etc. Yet every once in a while, I’ll check out comingsoon.net to see if there are any pictures or other bits of information that wouldn’t necessarily fit the “spoiler” bill. The whole super hero movie thing is probably on the downside of the crest, and The Avengers series (I mean, they’re not going to stop at just the one film, right?) could likely be the coup de grace for the entire genre, at least as it currently exists.

That doesn’t upset me at all considering that more than a few of the “comic book” movies made in the past 10 years have been terrible. I really want The Avengers to work as an epic, sprawling behemoth of a movie series, but like everything else, only time will tell.

This picture featuring Thor and Captain America only tells us so much. At first, I thought that it looked like a scene of chaos simply based on the condition of the pavement in the background, but upon further review, it’s uneven surface and easily distinguishable cracks and potholes make it no more or less different than Moanalua Road on the way to my parents’ house. But Captain America does look pretty dinged up. The shield is missing, and he’s not wearing the mask. That’s the tell-tale sign that there’s been a long, arduous confrontation. It’s akin to the way the face paint of such wrestlers such as Sting, the Ultimate Warrior, Demolition, and the Great Muta would fade away during a difficult match. You’re right, holding the ribs with the face distorted in pain was pretty telling too, but I’ll always go with the wrestling analogy (I feel like I already wrote that exact sentence before, too). Also, the first thing my mom would point out is that Captain America is filthy; she’d make him strip naked and bathe in the basin outside before letting the Sentinel of Liberty enter her house. How dare she. Thor on the other hand, looks like you’d expect a god to: flowing locks, armor without a scratch, perfect hammer-swinging mechanics. Part of me wants to write a paragraph about how this picture illustrates the disparity between gods and men; how Captain America was mankind’s attempt to achieve those hallowed heights, and ultimately failed. But I won’t write it. It’s Friday, after all.

*Note the rest of this blog was inspired by a pseudo-conversation I had with a couple of friends on Facebook. You know, the kind where there are 19 comments under one thread. It’s dorkier and longer than the Captain America/Thor, Humans/Gods essay that I didn’t write.

Does the Metropolis Police Department hate Superman because he makes them obsolete?

*June 14th, 2013 is a long way off, but the filming for Man of Steel, the newest Superman reboot has already begun. I Google image searched the film in hopes of finding a photo that is as dramatic as the one above for The Avenegers, but the non-distorted best I could come up with was this shot of a Metropolis Police Car. Honestly, I don’t even know if this is for Man of Steel, there simply could be an actual city named Metropolis that I don’t even know about.

Some of the writers for grantland.com have written previews for upcoming super hero movies and point out that many of them seem to be oozing what they call “creeping Nolanism,” a reference to Christopher Nolan’s dark, gritty take on the Batman. The success of Nolan’s films has inspired others to layer their own films with a similar anti-gloss. As Andy Greenwald points out, though, it works for Batman because that’s his aesthetic, “The guy [Batman] is a twisted psychopath who plays violent dress up to deal with his daddy issues.”

The problem with many of the other superheroes whose stories haven’t translated well to the big screen (Green Lantern, modern incarnations of Superman) is that they don’t share the same kind of dark tone that is inherent to Batman’s world. That said, gritty, dark realism isn’t necessary for success, but the ability to relate the film to the modern audience is. The first Iron Man film illustrated this perfectly.

The core elements of both Batman and Iron Man are the same: they’re rich guys from a privileged upbringing who are changed after personal tragedy. Neither possess “powers,” but do possess incalculable wealth that is the backbone for their hero activities. Instead of tapping into the “creeping Nolanism,” the writers of Iron Man went the other way and made a fun, solid action movie by integrating enough modern touches to make the film relatable despite its absurd source material. The film included celebrity culture, modern warfare, economics, and corporate power-mongering among its themes. These are all very relevant in the modern world and served to ground an otherwise unreal story in a setting that approximates the real world. Those touches are anchors.

What makes him special? Nothing.

That’s why the stories of characters like Green Lantern and Superman run into trouble when translated into the film format. Green Lantern in particular has the problem of being merely one Green Lantern in an entire galactic police force of them. Yes, much of the story revolves around the very human concepts of will power and fear, but the scope of Green Lantern’s world is too vast. To whittle it down to something akin to Iron Man’s mythology would be dismissing a large portion of the character’s history. There’s no middle ground for a character like Green Lantern, you can’t tell the full story without it being unwieldy, and you can’t cut it down without it feeling incomplete.

Superman has an entirely different problem: his character doesn’t fit the modern world. Superman’s presence and catalog of abilities makes it difficult to believe that there exists situations that he could not easily remedy. True, he has a mortal weakness, but it’s a piece of rock. Some kinds of magic can affect him, but that’s it. Barring an eclipse, a nuclear winter, or other such barrier between him and sun, he should be capable of doing just about anything. Superman rarely struggles physically, he struggles morally – only not in the same way that humans do.

When humans deal with ethical dilemmas with either side of the choice being right or wrong, it’s an over simplification. In truth, there are many subtle levels – those areas of gray –  between “right” and “wrong.” That’s the reality of our world painted with such phrases as “that’s not so bad,” and “it’s good enough.” But Superman is frustrating because the basis for his character is the inflexible set of morals instilled in him by Ma and Pa Kent. He his extreme in his morality. He can only do the right thing, even if it’s the path of most resistance. That might not be a problem in and of itself, but it exists within the context of Superman’s powers. The frustration stems from the fact that he can do anything he wants whenever he wants, but chooses a particular manner that often isn’t the most efficient. It’s like trying to explain to your parents that there’s a better/quicker/more modern way of doing something only to have them wave you off and insist on doing it their way while you wait for them to finish.

Todd McFarlane "yeah buddied" when he saw this.

The biggest problem with super-hero movies, especially the flagship money makers like Spider-Man, Batman, etc. is continuity. Comic books exist in a reality that is more or less immune to time, the characters never age, and personal history is essentially meaningless as soon as a new creative team takes over a title. Fans of comic books understand this and are able to accept this because for the most part, they already know the origins of the characters, the key events in their existence, etc. Also, comics very rarely “start all over.” Whenever a comic book reboots, it can do so with the freedom of knowing that it doesn’t necessarily need to rehash the origin and seminal moments because those are already in the bag.

Movies don’t work like that. Peter Parker can be drawn by 1,205 different artists; he never looks exactly the same, but close enough that you know it’s him. On the big screen, you know the difference between Toby Maguire and Andrew Garfield, and it’s unsettling because slapping Amazing on the title doesn’t change the fact that we’re going to see a spider bite Peter Parker (again) and that he’s going to grow into his powers (again) and he’ll have to endure all of this under the additional angst of being a teenager (again). The Toby Maguire Spider-Man franchise isn’t even 10-years old yet, and they’re rolling out another retelling. I’m sure it’ll be different, but how different can it be if A) it possesses most of the same plot points – because it will ostensibly begin at the same starting point as the last series – and B) it has to stay somewhat true to the source material? Does Amazing Spider-Man mean that we’ll keep seeing reboots of the most popular characters every few years or so until people stop watching them?

What grade is the next James Bond in?

Why wouldn’t they start from the period after the Maguire series? If a character like James Bond – called “transcendent” by one of my friends – can star in 50 movies, why can’t Spider-Man, or any other superhero for that matter? The reason is continuity. If Bond transcends anything, it’s his own personal history. For the most part, the James Bond films have been stand-alone features that can be enjoyed without having to know anything about the story that came before. James Bond always does the same things: chases somebody in the first 20 minutes, works on sleeping with the hot woman in the film, then kills the bad guy. Only the specifics (antagonist, threat, crisis, setting, type of vehicle and landscape for the chase scene, etc.) change. Only very rarely do any of those films address Bond’s origins or history. It isn’t necessary.

The irony is that the film presentation of James Bond is closer to the way comic books work than the movies about comic books themselves. The work of a creative team on a comic book title is essentially a reality within itself. They will abide by what has come before, but there is an implicit understanding that it isn’t ironclad. The superhero films appear intent on telling most of their stories in three-part arcs that have a beginning, middle, and end. If you’re including the definitive origins of the character, that works once, but what happens after that? The Amazing Spider-Man happens. If comic book movies played out the way Bond Films and comic books did, the next Spider-Man film would tell a different story that didn’t include his origins, and would be only theoretically related to the events of the first trilogy. We’d know all the important stuff already, and we’d get straight to the who’s doing what and why does Spidey have to stop it? Spider-Man would be an adult, fighting someone else in another story that had a beginning, middle, and an end, but likely in the span of a single film. Is that a bad thing? Yeah, but probably because it would make less money.

Reef Walking, but Mostly Eating

*Pre-Field Trip Errands: One of the drawbacks  of not planning out our weekends ahead of time is that we often end up doing certain things inefficiently. So when we woke up Saturday morning and decided to check out Shark’s Cove, it necessitated a trip to Walmart – where we had been mere hours before – for reef walkers.

While Madison and I were able to find $7 reef walkers in our size, Lynnette wasn’t so lucky. Mad and I found our footwear in the shoe section (right next to the movie section, where we had been mere hours before), but Lynnette found a (more expensive) pair in the fishing section. I guess that’s how Walmart works. You can find random versions of things all over the store, but if you want to find something that resembles the real thing, you’ve got to hunt it done in some specialized area. After one hour-long trip to Shark’s Cove, my $7 reef walkers have begun to fall apart. I know they say “You get what you pay for,” but I expected $7 to stretch a little more than that. I mean, I could have gotten The Muppets Take Manhattan on DVD and a Vitamin Water for less than that. C’mon, Walmart, step up your game. I’m going to return those bad boys, even though I’ll only use them two or three times a year, tops. It’s the principle of the thing.

*Shark’s Cove: Luckily, it wasn’t very busy at Shark’s Cove. We were able to find parking quickly, and the water wasn’t over-crowded. It was Lynnette’s idea to check it out because she thought Madison would love the lack of a shore break and the idea of toting around the net in hopes of finding hermit crabs and other like creatures. Lynnette was right.

I had dreams of scooping a few small fish, then bringing them over to my cousin Andrew’s house to dump them into his saltwater tank. This works at places like Ala Moana and Ko’olina where I can just recklessly dive at small schools of fish with the net. Shark’s Cove is a collection of jagged rock formations. I wasn’t going to dive at anything and the fish could swim slowly 5 feet away from me and they knew it, too. I don’t know if fish can smirk or laugh, but they can, then they probably were. Asses.

I wrote Friday about missing Madison , and it turns out that she misses me, too. She was more interested than usual in hanging out with me. Lynnette picked up on it, too, asking Madison, “You miss daddy, yeah?” Madison said “Yeah,” and buried her face in my arm. That was the highlight of my day.

Anyway, Madison explored the space, swinging her blue net at imaginary fish. I was also surprised that she took to the red water shoes so well. I thought she would pull a “Lynnette” and make a big deal about Walmart not having the specific model/style/color she wanted, but I guess she pulled a “Phil” and was just thrilled that she was able to pick up another pair of shoes, regardless of what the looked like. Madison isn’t old enough to concern herself with matching her clothing to her shoes, but she is old enough to think her new red water shoes were the shit. I know this because she made it a point to life one foot out of the water to show to anyone passing by.

Pizza Bob’s for lunch: I suppose the unofficial theme of our excursions yesterday was doing things that we don’t often do. Our lunch at Pizza Bob’s fit that theme pretty well since none of us had ever eaten at Pizza Bob’s before yesterday. We were granted a favorable omen when the waitress brought out a cherry with Madison’s drink. Madison had been looking out the window. When she heard the waitress place the glasses down on the table, she looked back towards the table, then did a quick double-take when she saw the cherry dangling from her straw. “What’s that?” she said with a the kind of grin that would have made a Batman-era Jack Nicholson proud.

Instead of ordering Madison a full meal that she wouldn’t have a chance of finishing, Lynnette and I ordered meals with Madison in mind. Lynnette got a soup and sandwich with clam chowder for Madison. I ordered the best club sandwich I have ever had (below) with fries for Madsison. You can see how well our plan worked out above.

Aside: Madison loves to dip food into sauces. She doesn’t like to eat the food once she’s dipped it, though. Prior to yesterday, there were only two things she would actually dip and eat afterwards: chicken nuggets and honey, and apples and caramel. She added to that list yesterday with french fries and clam chowder. She didn’t hesitate, either, the same way she does whenever she dips curly fries into buttermilk or cheese sauce. I think it’s because she knows she already likes both independently, so she assumes she’ll like both together. Smart girl.

*Aoki’s Shave Ice for dessert: Lynnette parked the car in the lot between Aoki’s and Matsumoto’s. As usual, the goal was Matsumotos, but our decision would be made solely on the length of the line. And Aoki’s won again.

I went with a root beer/cream soda combination. I said “Those are my two favorite A&W flavors.” Lynnette made a face that said “Those are the only two A&W flavors.” Her face was right.

Anyway, Lynnette got a li hing mui flavor with li hing powder sprinkled on top of it. While I have no idea whether or not that’s good, I do know that it means Madison will gravitate towards that shave ice and leave me to enjoy my own in peace. I am ashamed about how all of this went down, but that sandwich on the left was soooo good and so filling that I couldn’t finish my shave ice. I knew I probably should have ordered the regular size, but every time we stand in line at Aoki’s or Matsumoto’s, I feel obligated to order the largest size possible with ice cream. You know, just to make it worth my while. I thought I was going to throw up on the way home. I just passed out instead. Big ups to Lynnette who drove home from the North Shore.

*Dinner and (not) game night at my parents’ house: I had planned to take a nap in the hours leading up to dinner and game night at my parents’ house, but I turned on the Notre Dame @Michigan game, and that plan went to hell. I laid on the end of the bed, turned on the TV and watched ND and Big Blue both try to give the game away. This game was really just about who wanted it less.

So Lynnette took a nap, Lynnette Madison pretended to take a nap, and I watched the Fighting Irish and Wolverines alternate turns taking a crap in the Big House. That wasn’t a great recipe for what was supposed to be a game night with my family. We were supposed to eat dinner together because my cousin Andrew will be leaving for Oregon State again soon. Well, we made it through the dinner portion of the night without any problems. Higas never have problems with that. But perhaps we overdid in on the dinner side because we never got around to actually playing any of board game. We just mostly sat around snacking and talking story. Madison went into full-on puppy mode, insisting on cruising with Abby in her pen. Madison shared some of her tortilla chips with Abby. Madison also helped her Uncle Matty churn out some jams on the guitar. While nothing the two of them played together sounded recognizable, Madison didn’t care. She loves making music.

Eventually, the food and the lack of nap caught up to me. I slowly began the process of moving our belongings into the car. The three of us fell asleep in about 10 minutes when we got home. Then Lynnette and I got up early this morning and killed some roaches and invisible bacteria. Sexy, I know.

I Believe You, Gary Oldman

Gary Oldman (left) is like mayonnaise. Gary Oldman is not an actor whose performances qualify as “must-see,” nor his he a leading man. Similarly,despite my wife’s belief to the contrary, I do not dream of building an entire entree around mayonnaise, nor would I ever open up a jar of mayo, start scooping with a spoon, and eat it like ice cream. The thought is kind of absurd to me, even though I generally like mayo. The presence or non-presence of mayo in a sandwich is not a deal breaker for me, but if it’s there… I guess what I’m saying is that if there’s mayo in my sandwich, it’ll taste a little better, and if Gary Oldman’s in my movie, then that will likely taste a little better, too.

I’ve written before about my admiration for Alan Rickman, and my interest in Gary Oldman is in the same vein. I don’t know how to put it precisely, but I feel as though Oldman has the ability to disappear into the characters he plays in film. Generally, I always know he’s in there somewhere, but – at least for me – he’s always been able to get me to see the character’s face instead of his own. Unlike Rickman, my appreciation doesn’t stem from a single role (obviously, Rickman’s Sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves), but rather from his range. No, Gary Oldman could probably not pull off a very convincing Hercules or Achilles, or other one-note physical specimens, but he can do just about everything else.

It probably won’t surprise you to know that I just got through watching the teaser trailer for The Dark Knight Rises, during which Oldman’s Jim Gordon speaks desperately from a hospital bed in which he looks like he’s in bad shape. That small scene made me think about some of the other roles I’ve enjoyed him in over the years. I’m don’t know how to express my feelings about Gary Oldman in movie industry terms, but he’s such a great actor that I believe just about every character he plays. My favorites are obviously his more recent roles, but that’s because I’m young(ish).

Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg, The Fifth Element, 1997. I happen to like The Fifth Element. No, not in the way I like The Usual Suspects or 500 Days of Summer, but I sit through it I find it on tv. Every once  in a while, I will see the DVD on sale at places like Walmart for the mere pittance of $5. I believe I always say something like “Ooh, The Fifth Element.” That statement, apparently, is the switch that induces my wife to say “I don’t like that movie.” This never fails. Granted, I haven’t seen the film in its entirety in some time, but a few things always stood out. Bruce Willis essentially played John McClain, but instead of wearing his customary dirty white wifebeater, he donned a similar orange garment, a fashion forward choice likely selected to accentuate the futuristic/spacish/weird setting of the film. I think this might have been the last time I heard someone say the name “Milla Jovovich” without it being preceded  or followed by the words “Resident Evil.” Chris Tucker’s phallic hair style should have been left in the make-up trailer, and the film did give us the wonderful phase “Korben Dallas Multi-pass,” which my brother and I have dropped into conversations randomly since 1997. In terms of Oldman, though, I have to hand it to him. The plastic headpiece with the long hair on the other side reminded me of my own long bangs/shaved head days, which would morph into an undercut years later. His wardrobe is even more futuristic/spacish/weird than Willis’. But it’s the voice and the confidence with which he carries himself, particularly in scenes like the one above. When you look at the picture above in which Oldman slightly resembles a sad cat, it’s a pretty stark contrast to his character in The Fifth Element. It isn’t quite in the same villain-you-can’t-help-but-love performance as Rickman’s in Robin Hood, but it’s hard not to like Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg.

Mason Verger, Hannibal, 2001. The first time I saw Hannibal, I walked away thinking two things: It wasn’t anywhere near as good as Silence of the Lambs, and Mason Verger was hilarious. The first time the character was introduced, the make-up and the character’s sickly appearance created a kind of shock value that I wasn’t quite ready for (I didn’t even know it was Oldman until I saw the credits. It blew my mind.). Verger’s flashback as Lecter’s victim who survived was also pretty gruesome. As the movie unfolded, though, Oldman’s performance gave the character what I now consider an incredible depth. Mason Verger was obscenely wealthy, but could not enjoy any of it because his experience with Lecter left his body broken. Those physical injuries he sustained pushed him to the brink of death and his mere existence was a careful tightrope act that was likely only possible because of his fortune. It was Verger’s single-minded quest for revenge that kept him alive. In that way, his mind had become as twisted as his body. He was a lunatic, but not the cunning, charismatic kind that Lecter himself was. Oldman’s voice, the orders  he barked at people, and his general arrogance towards other humans – despite the fact that he could not survive on his own – made him incredibly funny to me. The fact that I was 21 when I saw it probably also had something to do with that view.

Sirius Black, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, 2004 and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, 2007. If I had to choose between the two portrayals above, I’d go with the manic one in Azkaban. Oldman carries the scene in the Shrieking Shack (Rickman! Oldman! Together! Dorkgasm!). His character is obviously that most compelling in the room. Yes, the context helps, but it’s the balance he strikes that amazes me. He moves back and forth between an incoherence due to bloodlust and displaying a clear, sardonic wit, and back again. In the second clip, he’s cleaned up and got his mojo back as a member of the Order of the Phoenix. It’s very heroic and all, but his character lost its edge after Azkaban because he no longer carried the air of danger with him, and because he took to the parental role of Harry’s caretaker so seriously (you’d better believe the pun was intended). Oldman isn’t as well known as some of the other actors in the series, and it’s very likely that’s part of the reason he seems to disappear into his character, but the better part of it is simply because he’s a great actor. On a quarter-related note, how many agents did Hugh Grant go through trying to get into one of these movies?

Jim Gordon, Christopher Nolan’s Batman series, 2005-present. When Lynnette and I saw Batman Begins, I said “Hey, Gary Oldman,” when he first appeared on screen. Lynnette said, “Who?” “Sirius Black,” I told her. “What? Him?” she said. Yeah, him. I think it’s fitting that I started with Zorg and will end with Gordon because they illustrate the range Oldman is capable of. Zorg is a screwball lunatic/evil mastermind. Jim Gordon is the humble, attention-avoiding cop who only wants to do his job. Batman’s universe has always been something of a paradox. He was created in the realm of comic books and is therefore dubbed a superhero, but that’s not really what he is. He has no powers, his character’s origin stems from watching his parents being gunned down as a child. That’s every revenge tragedy ever written. Or a couple of episodes of Criminal Minds.  But then gets tricky. Bruce Wayne/Batman has an unlimited supply of wealth and the means to secretly manufacture specific and top-of-the-line technology for his use as a crime fighter. His arch-rival also has no powers. The Joker is a serial killer. From that point you start finding Clayfaces, Killer Crocs, and other completely unrealistic kids of characters. The Dark Knight’s membership in the rainbow-colored Justice League also seems particularly odd considering the origin narrative. As hard as Christopher Nolan tried/tries to infuse the Batman series with that ever-popular “gritty realism,” everyone knows going in, it’s based on a comic book. But I applaud Nolan for going in this direction. It is hard to ground a superhero movie (because that’s what it is, really) in a reality that has the look and feel similar to our own (It is a world in which crime is prevalent, but likely no where near as pervasive as the New York presented in the Law and Order series), and the strongest tie this silly adult who dresses up like a bat and fights crime has to this realish world is Gary Oldman’s Jim Gordon.

The New Superman, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and The New York Mets Financial Issues

Maybe it was Brandon Routh's turn as a gay pornstar (and Justin Long's lover) in Zack and Miri that prevented him from reprising the role of Superman. Whatever. Here's your new Man of Steel. I'm not impressed. Unless one of Superman's new powers is to piss me off, because if it is, that's really amazing.

Henry Cavill (left) will be the next actor to play Clark Kent/Superman in a feature film.  According to comingsoon.net, the film is aiming for a December 2012 release. That’s about all the information available other than Zach Snyder (300, Watchmen) is directing and Christopher Nolan helped with the script.

The reason Superman movies ultimately fail is because he is boring. His entire history is an anachronism since newspapers are on life support and the boy scout angle is not only unbelievable, but also irritating as the world has loosened its moral standards on just about everything. It doesn’t matter how well Ma and Pa Kent raised you in 2011. If you’ve got an internet connection, you’ll learn eventually. Hey, DC Comics! Marvel’s film productions are crushing you. Figure it out. Justice League of America movie, bitches!

I'm a Marvel guy and even I know that the JLA would kill the Avengers.

There’s an inherent problem with the Justice League of America that has always made it difficult to envision an on-screen version: the main seven characters (left) are from such different worlds that it’s hard to come up with a believable scenario in which they’d all come together. The Avengers never had this problem because most of the time, the team was comprised of lesser characters who were only Avengers. The Wasp and Ant Man didn’t really have a whole lot going on outside of whatever Captain America told them to do. The JLA, though? Each of them essentially had their own “territories” (L to R: Coast City/Earth in general, Keystone City, Metropolis/Earth in general, Gotham City, where ever the Amazons live, the entire ocean, where ever Martian Manhunters roam) to protect. Still, someone should get on this. Or hire me to get on it. I’d come pretty cheap. Aside: I saw a 300-plus pound man in a Flash t-shirt yesterday. My intention is not to be cruel, but the first thought that popped into my head was “Oh, the irony.” And then I said what would possibly be the most ironic t-shirt I could wear and I settled on something with dollar signs on it.

A dye job, a couple of piercings, a hunger strike, and a cigarette dangling from the lips and I guess she could pull of Lisbeth Salander.

I’m about 200 pages into the final book of Stieg Larsson’s Millennium Trilogy, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets’ Nest. I started reading the book primarily on the indirect recommendation of a friend. She and I were playing a game of Words With Friends. I made an observation that she seemed to make movies near or after midnight on work nights. She said she was a night person. I asked what the hell would possess her to stay up until 1 in the morning on a work night and she said it was the book she was reading.

My literary interest is fairly limited. I read a bunch of stuff I have to for school and that is rarely fun. My leisure reading usually falls into pretty obvious categories like “baseball,” or “written by Malcolm Gladwell” or “written by Chuck Klosterman.” Honestly, I generally stay away from works of fiction like The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

A series of random events resulted in the purchase of the book. There was a lot of buzz on the internet about the list of young American actresses who were foaming at the mouth to play the protagonist, Lisbeth Salander. Eventually, Rooney Mara (left) won the role in the film that will be directed by David Fincher (Fight Club, The Social Network). She will star alongside James Bond (Daniel Craig) and Princess Buttercup (Robin Wright).

There were also the stacks of the paperback versions of the first two novels starting at me from their position in Costco for something like 2 months straight. Finally, Klosterman, Simmons, and Gladwell had all just released books in the not-so-distant past, my reading options were pretty slim. I also learned that I would have to wait until March for this book, so really, it was kind of a default decision. It was kind of like messing around in college. I didn’t really have anything else going on, I gave it a chance, it was pretty good, it’ll be over soon, but hey-at least it was fun while it lasted. Well, um, that’s what I heard it’s like to mess around in college, anyway. I really wouldn’t know because I was too busy studying English Literature. Alright, I couldn’t even type that with a straight face.

At least pretend you give a shit, Fred.

From ESPN.com:

The New York Times, citing two lawyers involved in the Madoff cases, reported Friday that Picard is seeking to recoup hundreds of millions of dollars from approximately 100 financial entities under the control of Fred Wilpon and team president Saul Katz. Picard has the leeway to not only go after ill-gotten gains but also can pursue greater amounts depending on what his investigation reveals about the conduct of Madoff clients.

In the lawsuit, Picard wants to recover $300 million of what he describes as “fictitious profits” accrued by the Wilpon and Katz business interests, as well as additional money, according to the Times report citing the two lawyers.

One source told the newspaper that Picard could seek up to $1 billion.

And…

The Wilpons are looking to sell a 20 to 25 percent share in the team, but any sale would be limited to a stake in the team and not SportsNet New York or the stadium.

Finally…

The Mets have vigorously asserted that the team has not been affected by the Madoff affair, so Friday’s announcement that an infusion of cash from other investors is needed marks a deviation from past statements. The team has committed only $8.1 million in major league contracts this offseason, although the Wilpons still estimate the club’s payroll will be in the $145 million to $150 million range this season because of past contract commitments.

“I want to emphasize that what we are discussing today has not and will not affect or change the Mets’ day-to-day operations and control,” Fred Wilpon said. “We will continue to operate the franchise in a first-class manner. This season we have one of the highest payrolls in baseball, as we have for the past several years.”

There’s no real way to understand what it might mean (specifically) in the Mets in the long run. But it’s not good. It’s just another problem stacked atop the mountain of problems the Mets have accumulated over the past 6 years or so. I know that only time will tell what happens with the Mets, but at the very least, the fact that they’re exploring the sale of ownership stake means they’ve been lying to me (okay, Mets fans in general) since the Madoff scandal went down. It’s going to be an interesting time to be a Mets fan. Other than the fact that they’re going to suck for a while, there’s all this shit, too. *Sigh* Mets in 2011!

Rumors (not by Fleetwood Mac)

Let's face it, Tom Brady is way to fashionable to be caught dead (or otherwise) in something like this.

On the other hand, I thought these were supposed to be "new" uniforms. Cleveland fans get screwed again-even in a mock-up.

*People in certain circles are excited about the prospect of Nike’s contract with the NFL beginning in 2012. Someone got so excited, in fact, that they spent what looks like hours coming up with their own vision of uniforms for the league, probably using Nike’s Pro Combat NCAA football line as the starting point for inspiration.

Images like the ones on the left found there way onto the internet and rampant speculation began with several blogs posting them as “leaked prototypes.” As of this moment, Nike has denied that any of their work on the matter has made its way into public forums and have already decried these images as fakes. Thank God.

The uniforms on the left are merely two of many similar ones in the set that these “prototypes” were released in. I selected to post these two because I felt they were the most comical. The Patriots jersey in particular had me laughing the minute I saw it. I can’t decide whether Tom Brady is supposed to be a 90s superhero or an American Gladiator with the call sign “Old Glory” or “Impact” or “Justiss.” I suppose I’d rather watch Tom Brady attempt to hit Wes Welker with a tennis ball machine gun than on a 7-yard slant, but still.

And then there’s the Browns jersey. I’m not a designer, and it’s entirely possible that there really just isn’t much one can do with a brown and orange color scheme, but I would have liked to have seen some kind of effort. My guess is that the person who devoted hours of his or her personal time to the creation of these looks saved the Browns uniform until near the end. 30 or so hours into their project, he/she was tired, had already covered their favorite teams, but decided “I’m too close not to do them for all 32 teams.” And this is what happens: A totally uninspired look. Even something as shocking as brown-on-brown with only orange accessories like shoes and gloves would have been preferable. At least it would have been a little different.

Thanks to Nike’s (Phil Knight’s) relationship with Oregon University, we’ve seen what kind of nonsense the company is capable of when it gets the liberty to run free with uniform design. I’ll be honest with you, when I saw the Ducks’ unis for the National Championship game, I wanted to buy a whole set for the sole purpose of wearing with my OG colorway Air Max 95’s. At the very least, the images above and the others like it have tempered the expectations for the actual Nike releases.

Well, she's got the pose down, anyway.

*The rumor mill surrounding Christopher Nolan’s third Batman film came to a halt yesterday-in part, anyway-as Anne Hathaway (left) was confirmed for the role of Selina Kyle/Catwoman. Hathaway becomes the third actress in the modern era to portray Batman’s rival/love interest following in the paw prints of Michelle Pfeiffer and Halle Berry. Hathaway reportedly won the role over a number of other actresses including (reportedly) Jessica Biel and Keira Knightley. Really, if those are the three you’re picking from, you can’t really go wrong.

Yahoo! confirmed the following information about the film, titled The Dark Knight Rises:

Warner Bros just announced that Anne Hathaway will play Selina Kyle, and that Tom Hardy, of Nolan’s “Inception,” will play Bane. Christian Bale will be back as Batman, and Nolan has said this will be his final Batman film.

Super. Christopher Nolan’s work on Memento and Inception has earned him the benefit of the doubt-in my eyes, anyway-but I still believe that he’d be hard-pressed to top The Dark Knight with this film, Anne Hathaway or no. Personally, part of the allure of Nolan’s take on the Batman series has been his dedication to maintaining the dark, gritty, realistic feel that has always best suited Batman. I know, I know: How realistic can it be if the entire film is based on an adult with unlimited financial resources who spends those resources dressing up as a bat fighting crime? Well, that’s part of Nolan’s aesthetic.

In the two non-Batman films I’ve referenced, Nolan created worlds and situations which required a serious amount of suspension of disbelief from the audience. He’s always been able to tell stories that seem barely plausible while keeping the toes of one foot firmly grounded in reality. I think that’s what has made his Batman great; Nolan knows how to tell an unbelievable story in a believable way. And of course, Anne Hathaway can’t hurt.

No, Carmelo, he doesn't know where you'll end up, either.

*The Carmelo Anthony-to-the-Nets Drama came to an anti-climactic conclusion yesterday when the Russian owner of the Nets, Mikhail Prokhorov, ended the talks with teams involved in the trade. From ESPN.com:

“I’m not happy with the way … this deal has gone until now,” Prokhorov said. “It has taken too long. It has been played out in public and it certainly has taken a toll on the players and I believe that it has cost us several games. I think management did a great job, but there comes a time when the price is simply too expensive. I’m instructing our team to walk away from the deal.”

Finally, somebody said it. Anthony has made it pretty obvious that his first choice is to play for the Knicks in New York. Whether that means through a trade or through his impending free agency doesn’t seem to matter. That’s why I never understood the Nets’ play for him in the first place. Reports around the league had New Jersey gutting their roster to acquire Carmelo with the hopes of somehow convincing him to sign with the team long-term with a diminished and less than stellar supporting cast. Why would he want to do that if A) he wants to win, and B) he never wanted to play in New Jersey in the first place?

I can understand Prokhorov’s desire to make a splash and add a marquee name to his franchise, but most analysts and experts never believed Anthony would sign an extension there, anyway. The Celtics and the Heat (and to a lesser extent, the Lakers) have proven that a series of deft acquisitions via free agency or through trades can revitalize a franchise. In all of these cases, though, each player acquired had already bought into the idea of the respective team’s renovation. Whether it was Garnett and Allen in Boston or the “Big Three” in Miami, all of the players involved were committed to making it work out. Throughout the entire Carmelo saga, the teams that were reportedly involved seemed to shift daily, with the names of players included in the deals changing just as often. The things that remained constant, however, were Anthony’s preference to play in New York and his tepid (to put it mildly) response to playing for the Nets. That has to be taken into consideration,right? I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone who not only didn’t want to be with me, but openly pined to be with a specific someone else. That relationship is doomed from the start and unspeakably painful until it ends.