On Modern Toys

I know we just went to Toys R’ Us last weekend. But like Jack, Kate, Hurley, Sun, Sayid, and John Locke’s corpse, we had to go back. WE HAD TO GO BACK! Madison and Lynnette will be attending a birthday party this weekend so we needed to pick up a gift. Lynnette took her time looking for a gift, Madison had to use the bathroom; I had plenty of free time to roam the non-toddler, non-girl aisles of the store. I took pictures of anything that struck me.

On clearance because who wants to buy the toy of the guy who died 2.021 seconds into the fight with Palpatine?

Saesee Tiin Star Wars Action Figure (Now with Jedi Locker!): Since Lucas is re-releasing Episode I in 5D IMAX Terror Squad Nuclear theaters soon, that means he’s also rolling out the massive merchandise collections to accompany it. Honestly, I don’t even know how Star Wars toy collectors manage to keep all the different collections in order. The toy is a part of the “Legacy Collection.” What does that mean? Is it a collection of all the characters that died over the course of the six films? That would be a badass collection actually. I’d like to personally nominate Obi Wan (with removable robe so the Darth Vader figure from the collection could kick it as it sits on the ground), Darth Vader (with Emperor-tossing motion), Greedo (with pre-recorded “How could I miss from that range?” sound box – in his native tongue, of course), Darth Maul (two pieces held together at waist by magnets), and a special hard-to-find Princess Amidala (in lingerie as the chase figure) for the Series 1.

You thought the same thing I did. Don't judge me.

Green Lantern extendable fist thing: I am a horrible human being and as such, the first time I saw this, my thoughts were rather impure. Forgive me. Anyway, my actual problem isn’t with the obvious seedy connotations this toy carries, but rather with the lack of creativity it ultimately illustrates.

Believe me, if I’m ever selected as member of the Green Lantern Corps, I won’t use the ring on my fist to create a bigger first to punch people with. When I saw that in the trailer for the movie, it pissed me off. You can do anything you can imagine and will into existence with those rings. I’d like to think I’m more creative than that. I’d dream up a TPX C405 Plus (it’s already black and green!) to beat the holy hell out of super villains with. For starters. I’m pretty stupid. I’m talking about willing the ring to create a fake Robotech Robot so I could pilot it just to say that I piloted a Robotech Robot. This of course, is why I will never be chosen to possess a ring. Also, none of it is real.

Maybe if my dad bought me these toys instead of Transformers, I'd be handier. Probably not, but maybe.

Home Depot Fake Tool Work Station: If Madison owned anything resembling these tools and workstation, she’d instantly be more handy with tools than I am. I don’t know why I am so bad with tools and things of that nature.

Hypothetical Situation: Someone has kidnapped me. I have a burlap bag over my head. I don’t know where we are going, only that we’ve been on the road for a long time. The vehicle comes to a stop. I am told to get out. I am led indoors. I make two right turns. I hear a door open. I take 5 steps into the room and am shoved down into the seat. Someone rips the bag of my head. It’s bright. I squint. There’s a long table in front of me with a black sheet thrown over a few items. I turn to look at my captor, but the side of my head hits the barrel of a gun before I get a look.”I am going to kill you,” the voice behind me says. “You have a single chance to to survive.” Another man removes the sheet from the table. On the table rest a large tool box and a hardbound book whose title I cannot make out. “Here is your choice,” says the man. “Inside of the tool box are 14 tools. The book is 500 pages long. Should you choose the tool box, you will have 3 minutes to correctly identify all 14 tools. If you do not, I will kill you. Should you choose the book, you will have 24 hours to read it. At the end of those 24 hours, you must take a test of the content of the book that you will have one hour to complete.” “What kind of test?” I say. “I will not tell you,” the man says.

You better believe I take the book.

"City Hunter?" I thought we all agreed Predator 2 never happened.

Predator Two-Pack: I love the Predator. I love the idea of them, of what they represent. They’ve got as much personality as someone can have without having an actual personality. But that’s okay because they aren’t supposed to.

I know they’re supposed to be an alien race hell bent on the ultimate hunt, but in recent films, they’ve become something else. There’s been a noticeable shift in the way the Predators’ costumes are designed. None of them talk (a language readily accessible to humans) or have names; the figures in this set are defined by what they do. But excepting that, it appears as though their outfits are supposed to distinguish them. That’s great and all, but that’s also the problem. They’re coming to resemble humans. What made the first Predator and first predator amazing was that it was a single , mysterious one killing everybody. In my opinion, it’s what made him a badass. He was a rogue. Yes, he was defeated, but Arnold never lost in the 80’s. I am saddened that they’ve watered Preds down so significantly.

Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing if the Mayans are correct.

“Jersey Shore” Trivia Game: I find that if there is some kind of phenomena sweeping through popular culture (recently, like Jeremy Lin), I will do some work to figuring out what it is. “Jersey Shore” remains one of the few exceptions. Everything I know about the show itself I have heard at least second-hand (students) or through the media (Bill Simmons’ podcast). In fact, looking at this picture, I am thrilled to say that I can only name one of these people with any level of certainty. I know Snooki because I’ve seen Bobby Moynihan play her on SNL.

It’s probably the literature dork in me that still prefers scripted show to reality television. There’s also a part of me that can’t stand the exploitation of stupidity for profit. But maybe I’m the stupid one, because I’m pretty sure any one of these people drives a car bigger and more expensive than my house.

Why the Asian baby gotta be shorter than the Caucasian baby?

Baby Dolls that I never bothered to get the name of, my bad: Lynnette saw these first and said “Ohhhh, look the Asian Baby! That’s you, Madison!”
“Das not, me, mom!” Madison said. She sounded legitimately pissed off. I don’t blame my wife or my daughter, though. Lynnette and I both like seeing things which are made for and/or accurately reflect Asian-Americans. Madison, though, probably thought the hair was all wrong. Most importantly, though, the teddy bear simply won’t cut it. No glow worm, no dice.

Aside: Long before Lynnette and I ever got together, she knew I preferred Asian women. My entire dating history suggested as much. So did my penchant for saying things like “Where all the hot Asians at?” Well, when we did get together, it didn’t help that I also admitted to Lynnette “I always thought I’d be with someone who was something Asian, not Filipino.” “Filipinos are Asian,” she said. “Not to me they aren’t,” I said. “What? Well what do you consider Asian?” she asked. I think I said something stupid like “Japanese and Chinese and maybe Korean.” I didn’t mean it literally, what I was trying to articulate were my own personal preferences. “Asian” was a blanket misnomer. I liked to say things that sounded stupid to get a rise out of  Lynnette. I still do to this day. Why am I telling you this? Because Lynnette has never forgotten. She has never let it go. She scoffed. My ex-girlfriend is Chinese. Whenever the word “Chinese” comes up in casual conversation, Lynnette immediately says “Because that’s the kind you like, yeah?” It’s a running joke with us. For example, “Do you want to go to Poke Stop for dinner or do you want Chinese?” she’ll ask. “Eh, Chinese,” I’ll say. “Because that’s the kind you like, yeah?” she’ll say. She’s joking, but she’s also not. The lesson? Marrying someone, owning a house with them, having a child together, and letting yourself go physically will never, ever erase the pain and/or ease the fear caused by denying someone their own ethnicity and saying you generally don’t prefer that person’s ethnicity. Just trust me on this one.

Super Hero Cinema

Whoa, bebe...

*I haven’t seen Thor or Captain America, but that’s mostly because I’ve been waiting to add both films to my blu-ray collection. Still, I’m excited for The Avengers. I’ve tried my best to make sure I don’t spoil it for myself by not Googling rumors about the plot, antagonists, etc. Yet every once in a while, I’ll check out comingsoon.net to see if there are any pictures or other bits of information that wouldn’t necessarily fit the “spoiler” bill. The whole super hero movie thing is probably on the downside of the crest, and The Avengers series (I mean, they’re not going to stop at just the one film, right?) could likely be the coup de grace for the entire genre, at least as it currently exists.

That doesn’t upset me at all considering that more than a few of the “comic book” movies made in the past 10 years have been terrible. I really want The Avengers to work as an epic, sprawling behemoth of a movie series, but like everything else, only time will tell.

This picture featuring Thor and Captain America only tells us so much. At first, I thought that it looked like a scene of chaos simply based on the condition of the pavement in the background, but upon further review, it’s uneven surface and easily distinguishable cracks and potholes make it no more or less different than Moanalua Road on the way to my parents’ house. But Captain America does look pretty dinged up. The shield is missing, and he’s not wearing the mask. That’s the tell-tale sign that there’s been a long, arduous confrontation. It’s akin to the way the face paint of such wrestlers such as Sting, the Ultimate Warrior, Demolition, and the Great Muta would fade away during a difficult match. You’re right, holding the ribs with the face distorted in pain was pretty telling too, but I’ll always go with the wrestling analogy (I feel like I already wrote that exact sentence before, too). Also, the first thing my mom would point out is that Captain America is filthy; she’d make him strip naked and bathe in the basin outside before letting the Sentinel of Liberty enter her house. How dare she. Thor on the other hand, looks like you’d expect a god to: flowing locks, armor without a scratch, perfect hammer-swinging mechanics. Part of me wants to write a paragraph about how this picture illustrates the disparity between gods and men; how Captain America was mankind’s attempt to achieve those hallowed heights, and ultimately failed. But I won’t write it. It’s Friday, after all.

*Note the rest of this blog was inspired by a pseudo-conversation I had with a couple of friends on Facebook. You know, the kind where there are 19 comments under one thread. It’s dorkier and longer than the Captain America/Thor, Humans/Gods essay that I didn’t write.

Does the Metropolis Police Department hate Superman because he makes them obsolete?

*June 14th, 2013 is a long way off, but the filming for Man of Steel, the newest Superman reboot has already begun. I Google image searched the film in hopes of finding a photo that is as dramatic as the one above for The Avenegers, but the non-distorted best I could come up with was this shot of a Metropolis Police Car. Honestly, I don’t even know if this is for Man of Steel, there simply could be an actual city named Metropolis that I don’t even know about.

Some of the writers for grantland.com have written previews for upcoming super hero movies and point out that many of them seem to be oozing what they call “creeping Nolanism,” a reference to Christopher Nolan’s dark, gritty take on the Batman. The success of Nolan’s films has inspired others to layer their own films with a similar anti-gloss. As Andy Greenwald points out, though, it works for Batman because that’s his aesthetic, “The guy [Batman] is a twisted psychopath who plays violent dress up to deal with his daddy issues.”

The problem with many of the other superheroes whose stories haven’t translated well to the big screen (Green Lantern, modern incarnations of Superman) is that they don’t share the same kind of dark tone that is inherent to Batman’s world. That said, gritty, dark realism isn’t necessary for success, but the ability to relate the film to the modern audience is. The first Iron Man film illustrated this perfectly.

The core elements of both Batman and Iron Man are the same: they’re rich guys from a privileged upbringing who are changed after personal tragedy. Neither possess “powers,” but do possess incalculable wealth that is the backbone for their hero activities. Instead of tapping into the “creeping Nolanism,” the writers of Iron Man went the other way and made a fun, solid action movie by integrating enough modern touches to make the film relatable despite its absurd source material. The film included celebrity culture, modern warfare, economics, and corporate power-mongering among its themes. These are all very relevant in the modern world and served to ground an otherwise unreal story in a setting that approximates the real world. Those touches are anchors.

What makes him special? Nothing.

That’s why the stories of characters like Green Lantern and Superman run into trouble when translated into the film format. Green Lantern in particular has the problem of being merely one Green Lantern in an entire galactic police force of them. Yes, much of the story revolves around the very human concepts of will power and fear, but the scope of Green Lantern’s world is too vast. To whittle it down to something akin to Iron Man’s mythology would be dismissing a large portion of the character’s history. There’s no middle ground for a character like Green Lantern, you can’t tell the full story without it being unwieldy, and you can’t cut it down without it feeling incomplete.

Superman has an entirely different problem: his character doesn’t fit the modern world. Superman’s presence and catalog of abilities makes it difficult to believe that there exists situations that he could not easily remedy. True, he has a mortal weakness, but it’s a piece of rock. Some kinds of magic can affect him, but that’s it. Barring an eclipse, a nuclear winter, or other such barrier between him and sun, he should be capable of doing just about anything. Superman rarely struggles physically, he struggles morally – only not in the same way that humans do.

When humans deal with ethical dilemmas with either side of the choice being right or wrong, it’s an over simplification. In truth, there are many subtle levels – those areas of gray –  between “right” and “wrong.” That’s the reality of our world painted with such phrases as “that’s not so bad,” and “it’s good enough.” But Superman is frustrating because the basis for his character is the inflexible set of morals instilled in him by Ma and Pa Kent. He his extreme in his morality. He can only do the right thing, even if it’s the path of most resistance. That might not be a problem in and of itself, but it exists within the context of Superman’s powers. The frustration stems from the fact that he can do anything he wants whenever he wants, but chooses a particular manner that often isn’t the most efficient. It’s like trying to explain to your parents that there’s a better/quicker/more modern way of doing something only to have them wave you off and insist on doing it their way while you wait for them to finish.

Todd McFarlane "yeah buddied" when he saw this.

The biggest problem with super-hero movies, especially the flagship money makers like Spider-Man, Batman, etc. is continuity. Comic books exist in a reality that is more or less immune to time, the characters never age, and personal history is essentially meaningless as soon as a new creative team takes over a title. Fans of comic books understand this and are able to accept this because for the most part, they already know the origins of the characters, the key events in their existence, etc. Also, comics very rarely “start all over.” Whenever a comic book reboots, it can do so with the freedom of knowing that it doesn’t necessarily need to rehash the origin and seminal moments because those are already in the bag.

Movies don’t work like that. Peter Parker can be drawn by 1,205 different artists; he never looks exactly the same, but close enough that you know it’s him. On the big screen, you know the difference between Toby Maguire and Andrew Garfield, and it’s unsettling because slapping Amazing on the title doesn’t change the fact that we’re going to see a spider bite Peter Parker (again) and that he’s going to grow into his powers (again) and he’ll have to endure all of this under the additional angst of being a teenager (again). The Toby Maguire Spider-Man franchise isn’t even 10-years old yet, and they’re rolling out another retelling. I’m sure it’ll be different, but how different can it be if A) it possesses most of the same plot points – because it will ostensibly begin at the same starting point as the last series – and B) it has to stay somewhat true to the source material? Does Amazing Spider-Man mean that we’ll keep seeing reboots of the most popular characters every few years or so until people stop watching them?

What grade is the next James Bond in?

Why wouldn’t they start from the period after the Maguire series? If a character like James Bond – called “transcendent” by one of my friends – can star in 50 movies, why can’t Spider-Man, or any other superhero for that matter? The reason is continuity. If Bond transcends anything, it’s his own personal history. For the most part, the James Bond films have been stand-alone features that can be enjoyed without having to know anything about the story that came before. James Bond always does the same things: chases somebody in the first 20 minutes, works on sleeping with the hot woman in the film, then kills the bad guy. Only the specifics (antagonist, threat, crisis, setting, type of vehicle and landscape for the chase scene, etc.) change. Only very rarely do any of those films address Bond’s origins or history. It isn’t necessary.

The irony is that the film presentation of James Bond is closer to the way comic books work than the movies about comic books themselves. The work of a creative team on a comic book title is essentially a reality within itself. They will abide by what has come before, but there is an implicit understanding that it isn’t ironclad. The superhero films appear intent on telling most of their stories in three-part arcs that have a beginning, middle, and end. If you’re including the definitive origins of the character, that works once, but what happens after that? The Amazing Spider-Man happens. If comic book movies played out the way Bond Films and comic books did, the next Spider-Man film would tell a different story that didn’t include his origins, and would be only theoretically related to the events of the first trilogy. We’d know all the important stuff already, and we’d get straight to the who’s doing what and why does Spidey have to stop it? Spider-Man would be an adult, fighting someone else in another story that had a beginning, middle, and an end, but likely in the span of a single film. Is that a bad thing? Yeah, but probably because it would make less money.

The New Superman, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and The New York Mets Financial Issues

Maybe it was Brandon Routh's turn as a gay pornstar (and Justin Long's lover) in Zack and Miri that prevented him from reprising the role of Superman. Whatever. Here's your new Man of Steel. I'm not impressed. Unless one of Superman's new powers is to piss me off, because if it is, that's really amazing.

Henry Cavill (left) will be the next actor to play Clark Kent/Superman in a feature film.  According to comingsoon.net, the film is aiming for a December 2012 release. That’s about all the information available other than Zach Snyder (300, Watchmen) is directing and Christopher Nolan helped with the script.

The reason Superman movies ultimately fail is because he is boring. His entire history is an anachronism since newspapers are on life support and the boy scout angle is not only unbelievable, but also irritating as the world has loosened its moral standards on just about everything. It doesn’t matter how well Ma and Pa Kent raised you in 2011. If you’ve got an internet connection, you’ll learn eventually. Hey, DC Comics! Marvel’s film productions are crushing you. Figure it out. Justice League of America movie, bitches!

I'm a Marvel guy and even I know that the JLA would kill the Avengers.

There’s an inherent problem with the Justice League of America that has always made it difficult to envision an on-screen version: the main seven characters (left) are from such different worlds that it’s hard to come up with a believable scenario in which they’d all come together. The Avengers never had this problem because most of the time, the team was comprised of lesser characters who were only Avengers. The Wasp and Ant Man didn’t really have a whole lot going on outside of whatever Captain America told them to do. The JLA, though? Each of them essentially had their own “territories” (L to R: Coast City/Earth in general, Keystone City, Metropolis/Earth in general, Gotham City, where ever the Amazons live, the entire ocean, where ever Martian Manhunters roam) to protect. Still, someone should get on this. Or hire me to get on it. I’d come pretty cheap. Aside: I saw a 300-plus pound man in a Flash t-shirt yesterday. My intention is not to be cruel, but the first thought that popped into my head was “Oh, the irony.” And then I said what would possibly be the most ironic t-shirt I could wear and I settled on something with dollar signs on it.

A dye job, a couple of piercings, a hunger strike, and a cigarette dangling from the lips and I guess she could pull of Lisbeth Salander.

I’m about 200 pages into the final book of Stieg Larsson’s Millennium Trilogy, The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets’ Nest. I started reading the book primarily on the indirect recommendation of a friend. She and I were playing a game of Words With Friends. I made an observation that she seemed to make movies near or after midnight on work nights. She said she was a night person. I asked what the hell would possess her to stay up until 1 in the morning on a work night and she said it was the book she was reading.

My literary interest is fairly limited. I read a bunch of stuff I have to for school and that is rarely fun. My leisure reading usually falls into pretty obvious categories like “baseball,” or “written by Malcolm Gladwell” or “written by Chuck Klosterman.” Honestly, I generally stay away from works of fiction like The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

A series of random events resulted in the purchase of the book. There was a lot of buzz on the internet about the list of young American actresses who were foaming at the mouth to play the protagonist, Lisbeth Salander. Eventually, Rooney Mara (left) won the role in the film that will be directed by David Fincher (Fight Club, The Social Network). She will star alongside James Bond (Daniel Craig) and Princess Buttercup (Robin Wright).

There were also the stacks of the paperback versions of the first two novels starting at me from their position in Costco for something like 2 months straight. Finally, Klosterman, Simmons, and Gladwell had all just released books in the not-so-distant past, my reading options were pretty slim. I also learned that I would have to wait until March for this book, so really, it was kind of a default decision. It was kind of like messing around in college. I didn’t really have anything else going on, I gave it a chance, it was pretty good, it’ll be over soon, but hey-at least it was fun while it lasted. Well, um, that’s what I heard it’s like to mess around in college, anyway. I really wouldn’t know because I was too busy studying English Literature. Alright, I couldn’t even type that with a straight face.

At least pretend you give a shit, Fred.

From ESPN.com:

The New York Times, citing two lawyers involved in the Madoff cases, reported Friday that Picard is seeking to recoup hundreds of millions of dollars from approximately 100 financial entities under the control of Fred Wilpon and team president Saul Katz. Picard has the leeway to not only go after ill-gotten gains but also can pursue greater amounts depending on what his investigation reveals about the conduct of Madoff clients.

In the lawsuit, Picard wants to recover $300 million of what he describes as “fictitious profits” accrued by the Wilpon and Katz business interests, as well as additional money, according to the Times report citing the two lawyers.

One source told the newspaper that Picard could seek up to $1 billion.

And…

The Wilpons are looking to sell a 20 to 25 percent share in the team, but any sale would be limited to a stake in the team and not SportsNet New York or the stadium.

Finally…

The Mets have vigorously asserted that the team has not been affected by the Madoff affair, so Friday’s announcement that an infusion of cash from other investors is needed marks a deviation from past statements. The team has committed only $8.1 million in major league contracts this offseason, although the Wilpons still estimate the club’s payroll will be in the $145 million to $150 million range this season because of past contract commitments.

“I want to emphasize that what we are discussing today has not and will not affect or change the Mets’ day-to-day operations and control,” Fred Wilpon said. “We will continue to operate the franchise in a first-class manner. This season we have one of the highest payrolls in baseball, as we have for the past several years.”

There’s no real way to understand what it might mean (specifically) in the Mets in the long run. But it’s not good. It’s just another problem stacked atop the mountain of problems the Mets have accumulated over the past 6 years or so. I know that only time will tell what happens with the Mets, but at the very least, the fact that they’re exploring the sale of ownership stake means they’ve been lying to me (okay, Mets fans in general) since the Madoff scandal went down. It’s going to be an interesting time to be a Mets fan. Other than the fact that they’re going to suck for a while, there’s all this shit, too. *Sigh* Mets in 2011!

On The Eve of a Four-Day Weekend

Despite the fact that women have been giving me the cold shoulder since 1995, I could go for some ice right now.

*Due to Saturday’s impromptu sham-battle game, my right shoulder is a wreck. Ordinarily, difficulty wiping my own ass is something I could take my time with and struggle with in privacy. The softball game tonight, though? That might be a problem. The Wrecking Crew has a play-off game tonight and though I wish I could attack it with the intensity of Kevin Youkilis, that will be kind of difficult considering I can’t move my right arm without pain.

It’s occurred to me that I’ve probably typed that last sentence or something similar in the neighborhood of 1,259 times since 2003. It’s an on-going problem akin to the economy and construction on Kamehameha Highway. It’s like trying to divide by 0. It’s virtually impossible. I just hope I can make the throw from the second base bag to first. That’ll probably be the longest throw I’ll have to make tonight (fingers crossed, breath held, eyes closed, wishing).

Since no one in my household has work or school tomorrow, I hope that my wife and daughter can come out to watch me play tonight. Usually during school nights, my wonderful wife tries to put Mad down before I get home from the park. Mad is a terror if she doesn’t get enough sleep. I can’t give Lynnette enough credit for dealing with Mad in the morning since there is ample evidence to suggest that my daughter isn’t a morning person. Anyway, I really hope they can come with tonight. Not that Lynnette ever watches the games. She kind of just looks around and observes things like the color scheme of the other team’s uniform, the things that stand out to her like someone’s odd batting stance, or people shouting things she doesn’t get (like a few years ago we were driving home from a game and she asked, “What does ‘no tag’ mean?”). She’s a good sport.

Like many other things in life, I'll enjoy the good feelings of the Jason Garrett era for however long it lasts.

*Another side effect of the Encounter Retreat weekend was missing out on the Cowboys’ second straight win under the direction of Jason Garrett. I tried mightily to watch highlights of the game during my free time, but ESPN was more concerned with replaying Richard Seymour dropping Roethlisberger a million times. That’s fine. A win is a win.

Just going over the box score, it appears I was wrong about Jon Kitna. He didn’t just find the Fountain of Youth, he’s also probably made a deal with the devil and it’s rejuvenated his career. As evidenced by his 29-yard touchdown run, Kitna’s either made a pact with Satan or found the best performance-enhancing products this side of the clear and the cream. It was also another good game for Bryan McCann-who I initially hated because he shares his name with a Braves player who makes it habit to destroy the Mets-as he ran across the field for a score like he did the week before.

All signs point to Garrett being a no-nonsense coach who has instituted practices with full pads and a travel dress code. History has shown that coaches of this kind don’t have a long shelf-life on teams. I think the players will be able to deal with Garrett’s strict rule so long as the team keeps winning. True, Dallas is probably the best 3-7 team in the league, but the next three games-Saints, Colts, Eagles-will in all likelihood define the season. I don’t know about the ‘boys going 5-1 down the stretch, but like my students playing basement/proximity mines for the first time, it’ll be fun to watch them try.

I didn't think it was possible, but it's true. I love Blake Lively even more now.

*Blake Lively is a nice treat. Unlike celebrity obsessions of my past, I don’t go out of my way to look for her. I find I appreciate her appearances more when I’m not expecting her. She was still beautiful in The Town– even though she appeared drug-addled and sleazy. She will, of course, be appearing in Green Lantern which increases her attractiveness.

This latest story about Lively, though, might have trumped that role. According to Yahoo!, Lively spent over 4 hours at a shoe sample sale and emerged with over 40 pairs. The article states that these were pretty upscale shoes- a few cost $2,000. I often believe that were I to have a meal and conversation with a celebrity that I’d have nothing to speak to them about, since really, we inhabit different worlds. But this story gives me hope that the next time I have lunch with Blake Lively, we’ll have something talk about (like Bonnie Raitt). It’s like that one-hit wonder Deep Blue Something said- “You say, we’ve got nothing in common-no common ground to start from- and we’re falling apart/You’ll say the world has come between us/Our lives have come between us, and still you just don’t care…And I said “How about Breakfast at Tiffany’s?”/She said, “I think I remember the film”/And as I recall, I think we both kind of liked it/And I said, “Well, that’s the one thing we got,”- if you replace “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” with “the love of shoes.” Yeah, I just reference Deep Blue Something. I hope that it gets stuck in your head all day. If not: Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. The very next day, you gave it away. This year-to save me from tears-I’ll give it to someone special. That should do it.

*Four-day weekend! (clap, clap, clapclapclap).

 

 

Green Lantern, Black Friday, Emma Watson

*People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive as Green Lantern, huh? I’ve written about my hesitation regarding the casting of Ryan Reynolds as Hal Jordan, but I’ve been appeased a little by this, the first trailer for Green Lantern. The Yahoo! blogger who wrote about the trailer yesterday hit it right on the head: they’re going the other way with this movie.

No good can come from literally being able to do anything you can imagine.

Batman Begins and The Dark Knight went for the realistic, gritty aesthetic that suits Batman’s world so well. The darkness fits Batman’s world because he is a single man with psychological issues. And his nemesis is also a single man with psychological issues including the urge to kill and create chaos. Ultimately, it’s why those last two films of the first Batman franchise have such a goofy, awkward feel to them: Batman doesn’t inhabit a world of neon lights and hot pinks and nipples on suits. He’s a hard-ass and he exists in a hard world. As a super-powerless human, he has no other choice but to act locally. He can’t fly at super sonic speeds. He can’t run from coast to coast in 2.11 seconds like the Flash. In a way, Batman and Gotham City are welded together by Batman’s inability to do much more than defend a single location from crime. But that’s not what a Green Lantern does.

Green Lanterns don’t merely act locally, or even globally. They’re a multi-galaxy wide police force. You’ll notice the abundance of footage that appears to take place in space or some place that isn’t earth. The scope of the film has a more sci-fi/fantasy edge to it in that way than Batman’s world does. I’m glad the writers of the movie realized this. In a way, this decision makes the casting of Reynolds seem less likely to derail the film. The scenes in the trailer make is seem as though the movie will focus more on action, comedy, and special effects than the Batman movies, and that’s fine. While any super hero movie requires a rather large suspension of disbelief, the scope of Green Lantern’s universe nearly forces its audience to accept that there are actually very few ties between that universe and the real world. I’m sure Reynolds can pull off cock and arrogant, and I’m sure he’ll be fine in a role that won’t require acting so much as playing the role of a super hero.

Shopping! Yay!

*Lynnette and I know that our finest season is soon to arrive. Our favorite holiday is exactly a week away and adrenaline is beginning to course through my body just thinking about it. That’s right. It’s almost Black Friday, baby. Lynnette and I don’t have all that much in common. The most humorous example of this I can recall is the fact that we both have common artists on our iPods, but for the most part, we favor different songs by those artists (I still don’t know how she can go with “Rich Girl” over “Private Eyes”).

Anyway, while I can still get it up for an all-day shopping affair, time has slowly eroded my ability to enjoy my most favorite of holidays. First, it is far more difficult to go shopping (or wait in line) in the wee hours of the morning when you’re toting around a 2-year old. Second, we don’t really need anything in the realm of electronics. My quest to install a flatscreen in the bathroom has been soundly vetoed. The extent of our shopping madness has become little items for the house. I feel sadness that I get so excited for low prices on bath towels and food processors. The retail therapist in me shakes his head and sighs. Truth be told, our finances preclude us from making big-ticket purchases. Gone are the days of free unprotected spending with many anonymous partners. We haven’t actually mapped out our plan of attack yet, but that’s the second best part of Black Friday. I love thinking about the logistics in terms of where to shop, prioritizing items, which store will yield the most bounty. The absolute best part of Black Friday, though is the actual shopping.

I despise crowds. I don’t like the feeling of being surrounded by people and feeling like I am could not simply make my way out of a situation if I desire. Yeah, I don’t know why I got married, either. What?! I have some kind of strange tinge of claustrophobia that allows me to use elevators, but not walk into shipping containers if the other side is closed. I would not, for example, have been able to take an MRI without the knowledge that there was an opening on the other side (even though I know I couldn’t fit through it). But there are two exceptions to my disdain for seas of humanity: rock concerts and shopping. There’s something gratifying about shopping. The hunt, the chase. The weaving in, around, and between people and shelves looking for the item. The uncertainty of the acquisition. Will there be any left? Finally, holding the object of my desire in my hands… then standing in line for an hour to pay for it. Time and money well spent.

This changes nothing, Emma. I still love you.

*Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows opens today, and sadly I won’t be able to get there on opening weekend. While it is a matter of public record that I am a fan of Emma Watson, I also enjoy the story that Rowling has so wonderfully written. But back to Emma Watson.

Someone told me that Emma had chopped all her hair off. My response was “That’s cool, I like short hair.” She then said, “No, like all of it. Boy cut.” Well, I had to check it out for myself. So thanks to the wonder that is Google image search, I have found a picture (left, duh). Well, there’s a reason they call it a “boy” cut, and I can’t deny that her new hairstyle makes creates a little androgyny (you know, without the rest of the body in the shot). But it doesn’t really matter. I’m always going to love her because she’s always going to be Hermione Granger.

Other than Emma Watson somehow supplanting my own wife and living with me and Mad (you know, because she digs my literary prowess), there’s nothing she could do that would make me stop loving her. I’ll never know her under any other context but that of the most over-achieving muggle-born witch in the history of Hogwarts. Because very soon, Harry Potter is going to end (though it already has). Unlike Emma herself, Hermione will never age, she’ll never change, and she’ll only ever be whatever she means to me right now. That’s just life.

Whenever I bump into good friends from college and especially ex-girlfriends-or other romantic interests that for whatever reason were not given a title-I am hit with a bit of ambivalence. Don’t get me wrong, it’s always good to see old friends, to catch up, to have a drink, etc. But part of me always feels sad whenever this happens, especially when I happen into someone I knew intimately. In my head, friends and lovers exist exactly the way they did only within the context of my relationship with them. That might have been in 1998. Or 2001. Or 2005. And over time, I will have forgotten many of the finer details and extrapolated those few things I do remember into a general sense of the person. I mean, if I try very hard, I can remember small things, details, moments, words, etc. But meeting those people again in the present tense is always a little disappointing. Through no fault of their own, and mostly because of my own messed up romanticizing of my past, I rarely enjoy seeing that these people who I hold so dear in my memory aren’t the same. It doesn’t mean that my memory is wrong. In fact, I’m sure that 9 times out of 10, my memory is correct. It’s just that like Hermione Granger, the things in my head never change and everything outside of it does.

*No blogs this weekend. I’ll be on the Encounter Retreat.

Fanboy Movie News (!)

I had linked images from comingsoon.net earlier, but they keep dropping out. For pics from Thor and Green Lantern, check out the actual website.

Thor, the god of thunder, will be played by Chris Hemsworth. If the name sounds familiar, that’s because he was the captain of the USS Kelvin for about 5 minutes before Eric Bana blew him out of space. Loki, the god of mischief, will be played by Tom Hiddleston. I had to check his IMDB page and I still don’t know who he is. I didn’t recognize any of the things he’s been in, but on the list is something called A Waste of Shame: The Mystery of Shakespeare and His Sonnets, so he can’t be all that bad- but I still remember how Kenneth Branagh betrayed with one of the worst novel translations in cinematic history, so I won’t let my guard down completely. Anyway, the real catch is Sir Anthony Hopkins as Odin, the Zeus-like figure in the Thor universe. The “hiring-a-well-respected-older-actor-to-play-the-main-character’s-father/mentor” is not new. Marlon Brando played Jor-El, Superman’s dad. Sean Connery played King Richard in my brother Matty’s favorite movie of all time, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. And of course, Charlton Heston played the romantic gas station attendant in Wayne’s World 2.

Hopkins was actually rumored to play Jor-El in Superman Returns. Instead, they went with archived footage of Brando. It’s just as well. Even in his advanced age, whenever I look at Hopkins, all I see is a brilliant psychologist who happened to eat other humans for his three squares-a-day. He couldn’t be Superman’s dad. But Thor? Sure. I don’t know what’s up with the patch. I don’t remember seeing that when he ruled over the rainbow road to Valhalla in the comic books. I guess a little creative license is alright, though. I think the patch is meant to give him an edge, you know? Like he’s earned the right to rule over the Norse gods by destroying others on the battlefield. Even David Hasselhoff appears a little imposing wearing an eye patch. If you aren’t convinced, maybe you have to be reminded of what he looks like without one.

*Earlier this summer, my brother showed my the video above. As it was long and he was nebulous about the description (“It’s for a new Mortal Kombat movie, but I don’t know if it’s real.”) so I didn’t find time to sit down and watch it for a week after he mentioned it. Apparently, it’s an unsolicited short film by director Kevin Tancharoen, who was trying to sell Warner Brothers on his vision for an update for the franchise. You’ll note the presence of several “name” actors including Michael Jai White of Universal Soldier sequel fame (playing Jax), Jeri Ryan (as Sonya Blade), former fanboy object of desire in Star Trek: Voyager, and Ian Anthony Dale (Scorpion) who is probably best known for portraying muscle for Ken Jeong in The Hangover. Details of the project have slowly crept out since the trailer’s release in June. Apparently, since it was a pet project, there’s no telling if it will ever see production and if it does, there’s no guarantee that these actors will actually keep these roles. I think the phraseology is that they did this “for the hell of it.” There should be more of that going around in Hollywood.

I was initially stumped by the somewhat convoluted plot revealed in the 8 or so minutes of the trailer. Jax and Sonya are members of law enforcement in Deacon City, of which they’ve basically lost control. Scorpion is willingly in custody (a point he makes pretty clear by ditching the handcuffs faster than Robert Downey, Jr. did in U.S. Marshals)- more on the importance of this scene later. There are super-powered murderers roaming the streets and Shang Tsung might be behind it- they don’t know for sure. But what they do know, is that the Kumate will feature all of them (Frank Dux has not been confirmed, however) and the law wants to send Scorpion in to kill all of them. I never did know if there really was a mythology to the characters, but what my teenaged observational skills did pick up on is that like the Street Fighter video game franchise, there appear to be several characters who wear the same outfit- only in different colors. This made me think that they had some kind of relationship, a la Ken, Ryu, Akuma, and Dan. It’s simple in Mortal Kombat. Scorpion wants to kill Sub Zero. One of the comments for the video said that it doesn’t make sense to have Scorpion as the protagonist, but that’s not completely true. If you’ve ever been a fan of a sports team, then you know a simple truth: The enemy of my enemy is my friend. That’s why I temporarily support whoever happens to be playing the Phillies, Yankees, and Braves at the time- I happen to dislike those anonymous teams less than the enemy. That’s what’s going on in this story. They’re desperate anyway. “Why not turn this harpooning asshole loose and see if he can’t do what we can’t?” That’s why the handcuff scene is so important to the plot. A character this powerful can’t be made to do anything he doesn’t want to do. He’s a badass. They threw out the frozen carrot and knew he’d take it. I think it works… so long as they cast Jade and Goro well.

*Sigh… I guess it’s really going to happen. I’ll reserve judgment because I really love Green Lantern, and they’re going with Hal Jordan instead of the other options. I just hope they take their time with the story. A Green Lantern’s ring is a literal wet dream. It can conjure anything you imagine, so long as you have the will to pull it off. For example, if I were selected as a Green Lantern and given a ring, I could conceivably will a bottle opener to emerge from my ring to assist me in the freeing of beer. Yes, that’s extremely small-time, but that’s my point. The possibilities are literally endless, depending on what they decide this particular ring’s built-in weakness will be- in the comic, it used to be the color yellow. I know. He could erect a shield that would stop bullets, but the same shield would be powerless to stop me from throwing a yellow baseball directly at his throat.

Well, if it has to happen, I’ll wait for the trailer, then make a decision whether or not I will watch this film in the theater. As I’ve stated before, my wife and I only see a few movies per year, so I have to ration them. I do have a specific hope for this film. I hope at some point they introduce the full Green Lantern Corps, which is similar to the Jedi order in that there are different kinds of species from different worlds. But I hope that the Corps is filled with cameos from actors on the following list: the Fantastic Four of The OC, the best footballer in America, this famously ugly guy, Mr. Blonde, these Wilsons, and these Wilsons, Stringer Bell and Avon Barksdale, Jay and Silent Bob, the Channel 4 News Team, these brothers, and these brothers.